Untouched and Alive
by philalethia
Summary: Sometimes all you can do is pray to get out untouched and alive. Contains dark subject matter namely physical abuse and yaoi Daito.
1. He is Suffering

Notes: I will warn you now that this story is not the happiest story in the world. In fact, it's down right dark. It's based very, very loosely on a Dean Koontz book (and if you can figure out which one it is, I'll be impressed) and something that one of my friends is going through. I haven't quite decided whether I should continue it or not, so let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon. Obviously. If I did, it wouldn't be suitable for children under the age of 17.

Untouched and Alive

By Kristin (Rzrblade33)

"Ishida Yamato, untouched and alive."

The hallway is silent, except of course for my feet padding slowly up the stairs. Truth be told, I am in no hurry to get home.

I'm late, horribly late. My band practice took a little longer than I'd expected. It wasn't my fault. I have no control over time. That doesn't matter though. My father doesn't care whose fault it was. I am going to be in serious trouble.

"Ishida Yamato, untouched and alive."

I realize I've said that phrase countless times already. I'll probably say it a few more times before the night's over. It's amazing how five little words can make one person feel so much better.

But are they really just five little words? Maybe at one time they were. They might've been the first time that I said them. I can't remember though. That was so long ago, before the divorce even. But now they're not just five little words. They're a plea, a prayer. An unoriginal prayer but a prayer nonetheless.

It's strange. I know it'll never be answered but yet I say it anyway. So why do I say it? Who knows. It gives me hope, I guess.

Only a few more stairs until I get to our apartment. Dammit. When did the trip up those stairs get so short? It used to seem like hours before I got home.

Home? Is that really what it is? Isn't home where the heart is? My heart sure as hell isn't here. I'm pretty sure that it's lying in a ditch somewhere, bruised, beaten, and violated. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I have a heart at all. So if I have no heart, I have no home. Is that how it goes?

No matter though. Home or not, it's still right in front of me. And I have to go in.

Should I say it again? I've already established that it's a stupid thing to say. Still, I do feel a bit more confident after I say it.

"Ishida Yamato, untouched and alive."

With a sigh, I unlock the door and go inside.

It's cold inside, which is strange. The apartment is almost always warm. Maybe it's just my imagination.

I head to my room first to drop my stuff off. I notice idly that there were bits of broken glass on the floor, probably the remains of the bottle I vaguely remember dropping the night before.

"Where the hell were you?"

I jerk around quickly to see my father glaring down at me, eyes burning wildly.

__

Ishida Yamato, untouched and alive.

"I…I had band practice. Remember? We practiced just a bit longer than I anticipated." My voice is shaking and I find myself backing away. "I…I'm sorry. I just…"

"Sorry? You're always sorry, you worthless little shit!"

"Dad, please…"

Suddenly I'm thrown across the floor. I feel my shoulder pop out of place and let out a small yelp at the pain.

"Don't you interrupt me," he says, standing above me. His voice is dangerously quiet. "You are goddamn lucky that I haven't thrown you out of this house. All you ever do is disobey me."

"I don't mean to," I whimper.

"Oh shut up, you miserable maggot." He kicks me in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me. "If you ever do this again, I can guarantee you it will hurt a hell of a lot worse."

I listen to him storm out of my room and into his own, slamming the door in the process, and close my eyes, determined not to let myself cry. He won't break me. I won't let him, no matter what he does to me.

My head is pounding, my stomach is burning, and my shoulder is throbbing.

Well, I may not be untouched but at least I'm alive.


	2. Further Away

Notes: Yeah, me again with part 2

Notes: Yeah, me again with part 2. Don't worry, it's a lot less violent than part 1. Oh and for the record, I actually don't see Mr. Ishida as a violent man. I just wanted to do a story about child abuse, and Matt happened to be the first person I thought of. Anyway I'll shut up now.

* * * * *

I'm positive that I've torn all of the tendons in my shoulder. With every move of my arm, a sharp pain shoots through it. It's not an unpleasant feeling though. Actually, it's extremely pleasant. Kind of a reminder that I'm alive, I guess.

I do believe I'm becoming a masochist.

"Yamato? Are you listening to me?"

Wouldn't that be wonderful? Me, a masochist. I suppose I'm being deduced to putting ads in the personal section of the newspaper claiming "Masochist in search of sadist." What a life.

"Yamato?! Are you there?!"

"Huh?" I glance over to see Sora and Koushiro staring expectantly at me. Oh yeah, that's right. I'm in school, at lunch. And I probably should've been involved in a conversation with my friends. Now what were they talking about? "I'm sorry. What were you saying?"

They share a look. "Are you feeling all right today, Yamato?" Sora asks me.

"Is my hair messed up?"

"No." She looks confused.

"Then I'm perfectly fine."

Koushiro rolls his eyes. "You are excessively self-absorbed."

"And loving every minute of it." I raise my can of soda to him.

He's about to shoot a remark back at me. A sentence full of sixteen letter words, no doubt, but he is interrupted.

"Hi, Taichi." Sora's arm shoots up to wave at her boyfriend, who's returned from his appointment with the school counselor. I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

"Hey, baby," he coos, kissing her softly before plopping down next to her. Oh, screw the fight. Let 'em roll.

No one appears to notice my disgust with the couple. They're listening to Taichi relay the details of his meeting with the counselor. While at one time I would've been hanging on to his every word, this time I decide instead to stare blankly at air in front of me.

I remember when I first heard that they were together. I'd marched myself all the way to Takeru's and then proceeded to throw myself onto his bedroom floor, screaming, "It's not fair. He called me 'Yama.'" You see, in my warped mind the fact that Taichi referred to me as 'Yama' actually meant something.

Of course, he calls her 'baby.' I don't stand a chance.

"Yamato, you're doing it again!" Sora snaps her fingers in front of my face, getting my attention. All three of them are looking at me now, identical looks of concern on their faces. It makes me nervous.

Mumbling something about needing to do something, I push myself off of the seat, sighing tiredly as my movements cause another sharp pain in my shoulder. Pleasure gets unbelievably tedious after a while.

* * * * *

I felt much better by the end of the school day, even agreeing to go to Taichi's soccer game.

I despise soccer. It makes no sense to me why anyone would spend their afternoon kicking a checkered ball around a field. Then again no sport ever makes sense to me.

But Taichi loved it, and therefore I learned to endure it.

All of the new digidestined were there when we arrived. Did I mention that soccer is a bonding experience for us all?

I sat next to my brother (the farthest seat away from Sora), who was too busy talking to Hikari to notice me. Story of my life, not being noticed. Not that I care, mind you. Be aware of my presence or not. It doesn't matter to me.

"'Kari, you're looking quite pulchritudinous today," I hear from somewhere off to my left.

"Been reading that dictionary again, huh Daisuke?" I have to repress a smile. Takeru reminds me of myself at that age. At that age? Did I actually say that? I feel old.

"Very funny, TC."

Takeru rolls his eyes and continues conversing with Hikari. Those two make a cute couple.

I watch silently as Daisuke takes a seat next to me. He's wearing Taichi's goggles just like he always does. Why on earth does that make me jealous? I mean, just because he gave Daisuke his most treasured object, why should I be jealous? After all, he is the new leader and all. Besides…

"Hi."

I jerk my head around to see Daisuke holding his hand out. What, does he want to shake hands? But we've already met. Oh well, no use in being rude. I extend my hand also and we shake. "Hi."

He grins. "Ha, now I can tell Jun that I shook _THE_ hand of Ishida Yamato. She'll be jealous."

I laugh. Wow, it's been a while since I did that. "You want an autograph so you can bribe her?"

He shrugs. "Sure. A little bribe never killed anyone. Anyone got a piece of paper?"

"Yeah, I do," Ken says, giving him one. The ex-Kaiser, huh? I never would have believed it in a million years.

"Thanks, I'm sure it'll come in handy someday," Daisuke says as I hand the autograph to him.

I smile a little and turn to the soccer field. The game's about to start.

* * * * *

Ten minutes into the game, I was bored. Sure, it was nice to actually have a reason to stare at Taichi. Still, it's not worth this.

"Woohoo! Go, Tai!" Sora screams as he scores another goal. He turns and gives her a little wink.

They've been doing it the whole game. Needless to say, I'm thoroughly disgusted.

"Crap," I say, pretending to glance at my watch, "I've gotta go." The game's nearly over anyway. They'll get over it.

I get a collection of 'byes' along with a few concerned looks. God, you'd think I have a 'Handle With Care' sign on my forehead. I start to walk away.

Dad's working late, if I remember right. That's good. Maybe my shoulder will get a chance to heal.

Hmm. I stop walking momentarily. Why am I getting the strange feeling that someone is watching me? Must be my imagination. 

Well, one more day done with. I smile slightly as a stray thought pops into my head. I'll get through this day untouched and alive. Huh, thank God for that.


	3. So Why So Sad

I'm dreaming

Notes: Well, this chapter is considerably longer than the rest. No real reason though. Anyway, thanks sooo much to all you people that reviewed this story. It made me feel special. So keep it up!

The two songs in this part ('So Why So Sad' and 'This is Yesterday') are both songs by the Manic Street Preachers. That means that I don't own them and that I'm just putting them because I feel like it. Also, I might add that all of the chapters so far are named after songs by them, as will probably most of the rest.

Anyway, enough of my talking. Enjoy!

* * * * *

I'm dreaming. I know I'm dreaming. It's strange how that happens. You're perfectly well aware that it's not real, and yet you can't make it stop. People are hitting me, kicking me. No, not just people. My friends are hurting me; Koushiro, Jyou, Mimi, Sora, even Takeru. And it's so real, it feels so real.

I'm close to unconsciousness now. Maybe then I can wake up. But instead I feel a hand touch my shoulder.

"Taichi," I rasp, tasting blood on my tongue as I speak. "Help me."

And then I realize that it isn't Tai. It looks like him, but it's not. His eyes are black. Not like Tai's, not like my Tai's. My Tai has brown eyes, beautiful brown eyes.

But still, he pulls me up until my face is right next to his. Our lips are inches away from each other, and we're moving closer. I can feel his breath. Hell, I can taste it. But then it happens. What always happens when I have a dream about him. I'm not even sure why I bother to be shocked when it happens anymore.

"Faggot." And with that, I feel myself being thrown back down onto the cold floor. Just as Taichi's foot comes in contact with my chest I jerk awake. There is a pounding between my eyes and I close them, sighing as violent images dance behind my eyelids.

I shuffle into the kitchen. My father is sitting in a chair at the table, and I immediately freeze upon seeing him. Wasn't he supposed to be gone now? The two of us stare at each other for a long moment.

He wants to speak. I can see it in his face that he has something to say. So I wait patiently. But instead he gets out of his seat and starts to walk toward me. My breath catches in my throat. He's going to hit me. I know it. _Untouched and alive, untouched and alive, untouched and alive._

But he merely strides on past me, stopping only once to turn back and glare at me, disgust showing plainly on his face. Then he turns back on his heel.

And only when I hear the front door shut do I finally let out the breath I've been holding.

* * * * * 

"Yamato, can I talk to you about something?"

"Hmm?" I have a concert in less that two hours, my guitar has somehow gotten so far out of tune it's not funny, and my little brother wants to talk. Does he not realize that this is a major crisis?

"Well, it's about Hikari." Oh, and not only does he want to talk. He wants to talk about a girl.

I momentarily stop messing with my 'baby'. "What about Hikari?"

Takeru looks flustered. "Well...uh…I was sorta wondering…how do you tell a girl that you…uh…like her?" Now, normally I would've found this situation to be incredibly cute. But we are in the midst of Armageddon, mind you, and my brother is asking advice on girls.

"You say, 'Hey, I like you. Wanna go out sometime?' I don't know. Say what you want to say." I run a hand through my hair as Takeru gives me an exasperated look.

"Maaatt, come on. You have girls falling all over you. What do you do?"

Well I don't wear a demented little hat every friggin' day, if that's what you mean. Wait a second. Why on earth do I feel this need to smack his head off? He's just asking me for advice, not trying to start WWIII. "Look, Takeru, do you really like Hikari? And I mean really like her."

"Yeah, I do." He suddenly gets a far away look in his eye. Oh yeah, he's got it bad.

"Be yourself. And if that's not what she wants, then she's an idiot."

He seems satisfied with my answer, which is good because my 'baby' still needs to be properly tuned. Takeru thankfully realizes that I need complete silence when I'm doing this, and I'm grateful for it.

Finally, my guitar is in perfect tune. All right, boys, you can call off the air force now. Armageddon's over. The world is safe.

"Okay," I say, picking up my 'baby'. "Let's roll. I gotta concert to do."

* * * * *

My shoulder's acting up again, not that I'm surprised. Lifting amps and such can't be good for a man who's just destroyed all his tendons. And of course playing tonight is going to kill me. But I can't back out now. We've only got about ten minutes 'til we're on. Maybe if I just…

"Yaaammmaaa!!!" Oh dear Lord, please don't let that be who I think it is. Not her, please not her.

I turn around slowly. Oh no… "Jun, hi…"

"Oooh, Yama-chan! I missed you so much!" Suddenly she pounces, throwing her arms around my neck. My shoulder is going to fall off before the night is over, I swear.

"Jun, please get off of me." Upon hearing snickering, I glance behind my obsessed attacker to find Ken, Daisuke, and Takeru with identical looks of amusement on their faces. After glaring at all three of them, I manage to detach myself from Jun. "Listen, I've gotta go. You know, performing and all. Later."

And with that, I sprinted away from them. Why did I have the feeling that this was going to be a hell of a night?

* * * * *

The crowd is absolutely wild. And I love every second of it. There is no doubt in my mind that I want to do this for the rest of my life.

"As much as I hate to admit it, this next song is our last song," I say, feeling a sharp pang of disappointment shoot through my body. "It's a song that I wrote a few weeks ago. And it's called 'So Why So Sad'." And taking a deep breath, I start to sing.

__

Things get clear when I feel free  
When whatever's next comes easily  
When gentle hands give life to me  
When your eyes fill with _tiny tears  
  
When I'm this still you are my life  
When I'm this still you are my life  
  
So at ease in the midnight sky  
So at ease in the midnight sky  
  
But my insides will look like war  
My insides will look like war  
  
Paralyzed except through my thought  
  
So why so sad  
You live and you love  
So why so sad  
Dependent on above  
Searching for the dead sea scrolls  
So why, so why so sad_  
  
_My smile as real as a hyena's  
My smile as real as a hyena's  
  
Burns an expressway to my skull  
Burns an expressway to my skull  
  
But I'll stick myself together again  
Spirit so low that I no longer pretend  
  
So why so sad  
You live and you love  
So why so sad  
Dependent on above  
Searching for the dead sea scrolls  
So why, so why so sad  
  
So why so sad  
You live and you love  
So why so sad  
Dependent on above  
Searching for the dead sea scrolls  
So why, so why so sad  
So why, so why so sad  
So why, so why so sad  
So why, so why so sad _

I'm about to cry. I can feel the tears stinging my eyes. But I won't let myself. Instead I blink away the unshed tears as the audience bursts into applause. "Thank you."

* * * * *

"You're really good."

I glance at Ken, but decide not to say anything. The two of us were seeking refuge from Jun in the men's restroom. Ken's staring at me, trying to analyze me again. He's been doing that a lot lately. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him open his mouth.

The opening of the bathroom door interrupts whatever he was about to say. "Hey," Daisuke says, leaning against the wall next to me. "Jun is throwing a fit, wanting to know what's taking her god so long. So she sent me to get you."

I smirk a little bit, glancing into the mirror. "I don't know what she finds so attractive about me," I admit, suddenly feeling a wave of self-consciousness flood over me.

"Oh, it's just that you have 'THE most beautiful blue eyes in the universe'," Daisuke says in a voice that frighteningly resembles his sister.

"No, I think it's the hair." I give Ken a wide grin at that comment.

"Yeah, my hair is pretty sexy, isn't it?" Two pairs of eyes roll. "Well, let's go."

"What?" Ken says, grinning. "And face the spawn of Myotismon alone?"

I shrug, giving my hair the once over in the mirror. "If I'm not mistaken," I glance at my invisible watch, "I have a curfew in a couple minutes."

"Well, now that you mention it…."

And with that, we walk out the door. I'll admit I'm half expecting Jun to jump out of nowhere and scream "Nightmare Claw" and take us out.

Where on earth is my sudden sarcasm coming from?

* * * * *

"If your mother calls tonight, then I want to know."

"All right," I reply, not bothering to glance up at my father.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you."

"I don't feel like looking at you," I snap. Of course when he steps closer, encloses his hand around my neck, and pushes me against the wall, I regret that statement.

"What did you say?" His hands aren't really doing anything, just silently informing me that if I say the wrong thing it'll hurt.

"I said that I'm sorry." _I will not cry, I will not cry._

My father removes his hand, and I slump forward just a little bit. "That's what I thought." The front door slams shut as he storms out, and I can hear him stomp down the stairs. _Don't cry, Yamato, don't let him break you._

My heart is beating in my ears, so much that I hardly hear the knock at the front door. After taking a minute to collect myself, I manage to make my way over to the door and open it.

"Daisuke, hi," I say, thoroughly surprised.

But he merely gives me his famous smile. "Hey, Blue Eyes. I just saw your dad, and he looked really angry. Is everything all right?"

"Yeah, everything's just peachy. We got in a bit of a fight. That's all." I make a motion with my hand, signifying that he should forget it.

There must be something in my eyes that tells him differently though because he just stares at me for a long moment, concern showing plainly. "You sure?"

"Yeah." My voice is suddenly soft. I'm not even sure if he really heard what I said. Thankfully he drops the subject.

"Mind if I come in?"

I shake my head and step aside, allowing him to enter the apartment. "So what can I do for you, Daisuke?"

"Call me Dai."

"All right, Dai, what can I do for you?"

He looks at me for a second and then places himself on the sofa. "Well…you see, one of our assignments at school was to write lyrics for song…or something like that. And seeing as how you _are_ a famous rock star, I thought that you could read over what I wrote before I turn it in tomorrow." Daisuke reaches in his pocket and pulls out a crumpled piece of paper.

He wants me to read a song he wrote. Oh goody. What could he have written? Something to the tune of 'Row, Row, Row Your Boat' maybe? No, that's not fair of me. I shouldn't judge his songwriting abilities before I've seen them.

I sigh inwardly, push my hair behind my ears, and take the paper from his hands.

__

Do not listen to a word I say

Just listen to what I can keep silent

The only way to gain approval

Is by exploiting the very thing that cheapens me

I stare at the sky

And it leaves me blind

I close my eyes

And this is yesterday

Someone somewhere soon will take care of you

I repent, I'm sorry, everything is falling apart

Houses as ruins and gardens as weeds

Why do anything when you forget everything

I stare at the sky

And it leaves me blind

I close my eyes

And this is yesterday

I stare at the sky

And it leaves me blind

I close my eyes

And this is yesterday

"This is...really good. You sure you didn't copy it?" I want to say that I'm astonished, but that seems like an understatement. I'm beyond astonished.

"Not what you expected, huh?"

I glance down at Daisuke. He has a peculiar expression on his face, somewhere between amusement and hurt. "No," I admit, "it's nothing like I expected. No offense, you just always seemed a bit literarily challenged."

"You mean that I'm dumb. It's okay. You can say it. You won't be the first person to think that of me." The way he says it frightens me, just like he was telling me about the weather. No anger, no hurt. Well, except for the slight hurt showing in his eyes.

I sigh, exasperated. I've been doing that a lot lately. "I do not mean that. Obviously I've made a mistake and you've proven me wrong." I pause, looking over the song once more. "If your teacher doesn't give you an A, I want to know about it. I might just find reason to march on over there and kick someone's butt." And with that, I hand the paper over to him.

Daisuke glimpses up at me. "You really think it's good?"

I merely grin at him. "If you write anything else, I want to read it. Even if it's two sentences, I want to read it."

"Okay." The two of us are silent for a long while. Finally, he stands up. "I guess I'd better be going. Thank you."

I shake my head. "Anytime." I open the door for him. "Bye, Dai."

He glints back at me. "See ya 'round, Blue Eyes."

As I shut the door, I find myself feeling strangely proud of that kid. Maybe our dear Daisuke isn't as dense as Takeru says he is.

I think I just made myself a new friend. So why do I still feel so empty inside?


	4. Small Black FlowersThat Grow in the Sky

"You're avoiding me

Notes: Yeah, another chapter. I've decided that I'm going to make an attempt to get one out every weekend. Of course, I'm not sure how long that'll stand but we'll see. Anyway, this one's kinda short and fairly depressing. I dunno, that seems to be my mood lately.

As for the whole couple thing, I'm not really sure who Yama's going to end up with. I used to know exactly who it was but then something happened. There are currently three people that I've got in mind and my preference seems to change daily. So I guess I'm just going to let Matt pick who he wants to be with. But one thing's for certain, Yama is the uke. Just haven't decided on the seme yet.

Anyway, enough of my jabbering. Enjoy, and let me know what you think (hint, hint).

* * * * *

"You're avoiding me."

"What? Taichi, it's seven a.m. on a Saturday. Call me back in five hours."

"I will do no such thing. You're avoiding me, and I want an explanation."

I sigh loudly into the phone. While I absolutely love hearing his voice, it's too early to listen to him interrogate me about something that I don't wish to discuss. "I'm not avoiding you. What makes you think that I am?"

"You haven't been in the cafeteria all week, and you don't sit by me in geometry anymore. Actually, you sit in the seat farthest away from me. I know you're avoiding me, don't even try to deny it!" His voice is steadily getting louder.

"Do we have to talk about this now?" I really don't want to explain that eating lunch in the bathroom and sitting next to the forever-blowing air conditioner are my two latest plots to get over Taichi.

"Yes." Great, he's not budging. _Why do you have to be so stubborn?_

I pause, not really sure what to say. "I'm not avoiding you." I wonder if he's sick of hearing me repeat that. I know that I'm sick of saying it.

There's a crackle on his end, and I can tell that it's him sighing into the phone. "Four hours."

"Excuse me?"

"Four hours. In four hours, I expect to find you standing at my door. Then we're going to sit down and have a nice, long talk."

I nod quickly before realizing that he couldn't see me. "All right, four hours."

"Good. I'll see you then." He hung up before I could respond.

With a groan, I lay back down on my bed and stare at the ceiling, silently rehearsing what I was going to tell Taichi. This is just like in drama, where they make you memorize your lines and then perform them. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. I'm memorizing my lines for a play. A play called life.

* * * * *

It's been about three hours and fifty minutes, and I'm standing face to face with his door. I've never really considered his door a menacing one, although at this moment I believe I've changed my opinion. It's the most intimidating thing I've ever seen in my life.

All I have to do is reach up and knock. That's all, one simple movement. But I can't do it. What the hell am I supposed to say to him? _Well Tai, the reason I'm avoiding you is that I think I've fallen in love with you. Take me now!_ Yeah, that'd go over real well.

Of course, I could just lie. No, I couldn't do that. I can't lie to those eyes. It's beyond my power.

__

Dammit, Ishida, stop being a wimp. Just march on in there and tell that gorgeous freak that it's none of his business.

Suddenly feeling extremely powerful, I lift my hand and knock. After a long while, the door opens.

"Hey, Yama." He called me 'Yama.' My heart melts. It may mean nothing, but that won't stop me from swooning every time he says it.

"Hi, Taichi." I subconsciously reach up and smooth my hair down before following him into his apartment.

"So," he says, sitting on the couch, "talk."

I groan and sit on the other one. "What do you want me to say?"

"Well for starters you can tell me what I did to make you angry." Taichi leans back and stares at me intently. I suddenly feel like the suspect in a murder case.

"You didn't do anything." Doubt flickers in his eyes. "No, really. It wasn't anything that you did." _Besides, of course, being you._

He cocks his head to one side. "Then what is it?"

"It…." Then I stop, having no clue what to say. The truth is obviously not an option, and I'm not going to feed him some meaningless lie. "I don't want to talk about it."

He stands up suddenly. "What can be so horrible that you can't even talk about?" He's started pacing slowly now.

"Taichi…" I start.

"Don't 'Taichi' me. Let me tell you something, Yamato. When we first met, I tried to be nice to you. I tried to be your friend. But you pushed me away, told me to screw myself. So I pushed back. But then we grew up and became best friends, the best of the best. We could trust each other with anything. And now something's wrong and you obviously can't trust me enough to tell me about it. You're pushing me away again." He's pacing violently now, and I'm sure that he's about to catch the carpet on fire. "I thought we were friends!"

By now I'm staring at Miko who's sitting quietly on the floor, gazing at us sleepily. "Maybe we're not friends anymore." The moment that it was out of my mouth, I began to pray that he didn't hear it.

Unfortunately, he must have. "Maybe we're not."

Silence fills the room. I can feel him glaring at me, but I refuse to look at him. If I do then I'll break. I can't let myself do that.

"Look," Taichi says coldly, "I've got a date with Sora for lunch. So you might want to leave."

Without so much as a nod, I get off the sofa and tread tiredly to the front door. Just as my hand touches the knob, I glance back at him. He's staring at the couch that I'd just gotten up from, an unreadable expression on his face. And with that, I open the door and walk out, attempting to ignore the dull ache in my heart.

* * * * *

My father has to choose today to come home early and find me lying idly in the middle of the floor, fighting off tears. I jump up as soon as the door opens.

"Get off the floor. All you ever do is mope around this house, getting all emotional like a stupid woman. That's what you are, a woman."

"Oh fuck off," I snap back at him, with just as much venom, and begin to head towards my room.

But he reaches after me, grabs my left wrist, and pulls me back to face him again. "Now, you listen here. I work the whole damned day so that there's enough money for you to live in this house. I do not need your smart-ass little comments." His grip on my wrist tightens sharply and I let out a gasp. "I should just throw you out into the streets. Then maybe you'd appreciate what I do for you." His grip continues to tighten, causing me to cry out in pain. Finally, just as I'm sure he's going to break it, he lets go and strolls out to the kitchen as if nothing ever happened.

Cradling my throbbing wrist, I make my way back into my bedroom. I'm going to have a heck of a bruise.

Despite the early time I crawl into my bed, completely exhausted. Glancing at my wrist, I notice that it's already beginning to turn black. _Hmm, how fitting,_ I think dryly as I drift off into sleep. _Black…_

Just like the small black flowers that grow in the sky.


	5. Close My Eyes

* * * * *

Notes: Hi, ya'll. I've finally gotten chapter 5 up. There's no real violence in this one, just some angst on Yama's part. Some of the people in this story are a bit out of character, Daisuke especially. On a personal note, I like to think that Dai is actually a lot smarter than he lets on. Of course, that could be just me. Anyway, enough out of me. Enjoy part 5.

* * * * *

"Goodness, Yamato, what happened to your wrist?"

Now, I had originally thought that it was going to be a cinch to hide my bruise. However I'm quickly developing a great appreciation for self-abusers who can successfully hide their scars for years. I can't even go through a whole day. It never even occurred to me before that the sleeves of my green jacket ride up as often as they do.

"Nothing much, just had an unpleasant encounter with the car door this weekend. It'll heal." If I just act calm, then no one will think anything of it. It'll be just me being clumsy, strange as that sounds. 

Koushiro cocks his head to the side thoughtfully. "It seems to be severely contused. Maybe you should let Jyou examine it."

"It's just a little bruise. It's not the first I've had and it probably won't be the last. It'll heal, I swear." Did I ever mention that when I get anxious I tend to repeat myself?

His gives me a dubious look. "To be perfectly honest with you, Yamato, I would hardly classify that as a 'little bruise'. It occupies nearly all of your wrist." Leave it to Koushiro to state the obvious.

I resist the urge to growl at him and instead continue reading about animal classification on the computer in front of us. "I'm quite well aware of what it looks like. I just don't want it to be made into a big deal." The calmness of my voice surprises me. It really sounds like my wrist is unimportant.

"I know, I just…" The bell rings before he can finish. With a slight sigh I pick up my books and walk out of the classroom, not bothering to look back at him.

The hall's filled with people as I walk into it. Voices are screaming at each other. Girls are giggling and guys are exchanging stories of what they did with their girlfriends last night. And I suddenly feel sick. The people around me are starting to spin, making me dizzy.

I make it to the bathroom just as my heart begins to pound in my ears. A sharp pain in my chest causes me to drop to the floor, scattering my books all around me. I'm going to puke, I know that I am. I close my eyes and wait for my stomach to spasm. It doesn't.

Sweat is pouring down my face at an alarming rate. I start to tremble as I'm suddenly overcome with the urge to dig my fingernails deep into my skin. _I'm dying._ The thought appears out of nowhere, and yet in my muddled mind it makes perfect sense. _I'm having a heart attack. I'm dying._ And so I lay on the floor, waiting patiently for death to take me into its arms and fly me away from this earth.

And then I hear the halls clear out and the voices fade. Then it all begins to disappear until all that's left is the shaking and a slight nauseous feeling. I push myself off the floor and stumble towards the mirror, silently thanking God that there wasn't someone in the bathroom to witness my breakdown.

The image in the mirror is unrecognizable, even to me. My eyes are bloodshot and my hair's messed up. I raise a shaky hand to fix it, faintly hearing the bell ring in the background.

The sink is turned on, and I reach under the nozzle to get cold water to splash on my face. I freeze as soon as my hand hits the water, my blackened wrist staring up at me.

I'm not sure why it bothers me. This isn't the first time I'm gotten a bruise from my father. Not that long ago, my chest was covered in grayish blue blotches._ Blotches that you never looked at._ That's right. I avoided looking at them. I never glanced down when I had no shirt on. I couldn't stand to. It made me feel sick to my stomach. But now my wrist is hurt, a part of my body that can't be hidden from myself. _Guess you'll have to look at it now._

Splashing my face suddenly forgotten, I gather my books back up and begin to make my way towards the nurse's office. I don't feel stable enough to go to class now.

The moment I take my first step out of the bathroom, I am knocked back onto the floor. I get ready to glare over at the cause of my accident before I see who it is. _Taichi…_

"Umm…hi," I say as I pick up my books yet again. I should just let them stay there and kick 'em to the nurse's office.

"Hi," he replies, and starts to help me. "I'm sorry, Yama. I didn't see you coming out." I shake my head, still feeling light-headed, and move to take my Biology book from him. "Woah, what the hell happened to your arm?"

__

Goddamn school uniform. "I slammed my wrist in a car door the other day. It's no big deal." Why do I get this sense of déjà vu?

Taichi looks concerned, and for a second I consider telling him what actually happened. Then I decide against it. "Maybe you should get it checked out. I've never seen a bruise that color before. Jesus, it's black."

Suddenly my nausea comes back with a vengeance. I mumble something about going to the nurse now and start to leave, feeling his eyes on my back the whole way.

* * * * *

"So then, Michael told me that he thought the teddy bear was really cute. But it was purple! How can it be cute if it's not pink? So I told him that if he didn't exchange it that very day that I would go to Sarah's party with Jeremy. And do you know what the stupid jerk did? He left and then showed up at the party with Melissa! That little slut! How could he? I mean, that is just…."

Mimi's life in America is a continuous soap opera. Someone is always breaking up with someone or cheating on them with their dog or something. And of course she needs someone to tell it to, so I'm that _lucky_ someone.

"I'm sorry…" I start, intent on telling her that I had to go.

"Oh, you haven't even heard the worst part yet. At the party…."

I decide to tune her out. Whatever happened at the party could stay a mystery to me. I don't particularly mind not knowing what Michael did to Mimi this time.

Those two have a strange relationship. Michael is hopelessly in love with her, and every attempt to show her that is thrown back in his face. And yet I'm pretty sure that she feels the same way. She just doesn't realize it.

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. _Thank God, a distraction._ "I'm sorry, Mimi, someone's at the door. I have to go. Bye." I hang up before she can reply.

I shuffle over to the door and open it. "Hey squirt," I greet my little brother.

"Hi Yamato. Guess what." He steps inside the apartment and shuts the door. "I went to Kari's this afternoon and asked her if she wanted to go to a movie this weekend. And she said yes." By now he's beaming.

I let out a small laugh at his giddiness and push my slight jealously to the side. "That's great, squirt! In fact, let's celebrate. C'mon." And with that, the two of us walk out of the apartment.

* * * * *

"So," Takeru says as he takes a bite of ice cream, "how is the whole Taichi situation?"

I sigh. "Not too good. We got in a fight the other day because he said that I was avoiding him."

"Were you?"

"Well, yeah I guess I was. But I wasn't going to tell him why. So he got mad at me and said all this stuff about our friendship. Then I said that maybe we weren't friends anymore. And he said that maybe we weren't either. But then yesterday I ran into him in the hall and he acted like nothing ever happened."

Takeru gives me a look. "Yamato, you've got to stop doing this to yourself. You should just tell him how you feel. That's exactly what you told me to do, and look how it turned out."

"That was different," I reason.

"How? How is me and Kari different than you and Taichi?"

"Kari's a girl. Taichi's a guy. It's a hell of a lot different. I'm gay, you're not."

He groans. "Oh no, not this again. It doesn't matter that you're gay. I mean, he may not feel the same way but at least you'll have gotten it off your chest. Then you'll feel better."

"Not if he condemns me to hell. Then I won't feel better."

"Taichi is not going to condemn you to hell. Both you and I know that he's not like that. You guys are too close of friends to let that come between you."

He doesn't understand. He's trying, but he doesn't understand. And hopefully he never will. "Let's just drop it. All right? I don't feel like talking about it anymore."

"Okay," he says reluctantly. And we spend the rest of the night in complete silence.

* * * * *

"Hey, Blue Eyes."

"Hey, Dai." I have to admit that I'm a little surprised to see the goggle-headed boy leaning on my doorjamb.

"Can I come in?"

I step aside and motion for him to step inside. "So, to what do I owe this pleasure?"

He looks flustered. "Well, I just wanted to tell you that I got the grade on my song that you saw today. And I was going to call and tell you, but….well…you know."

I don't, but I pretend that I know anyway and nod. "So, what'd you get?"

Daisuke gives me a smile that reminds me faintly of the one Takeru gave me the other night. "An A."

"What did I tell ya?" I grin widely, once again feeling proud of him. "You're a natural, I swear. You're going to have to write my band a song." I push a lock of hair out of my face.

"What happened to your wrist?" _Mother of all…_

"Just slammed it in the car door. It's no big deal." I'm going to get a sign that says 'Slammed my wrist in a car door' and paste it on my forehead.

"Hmm." Daisuke reaches over and takes my arm, holding it up so that he can examine it. I'm starting to feel excessively self- conscious. "Kinda funny how you slammed it in a door, and yet it's bruised all the way around your wrist." He runs a finger in a circle around it as if to emphasis his point.

"Yeah," I agree, feeling faint. "Kinda funny." I pull my arm back.

"Well," he says as he turns around. "I guess I'd better go." He gives me a concerned look over his shoulder. "See ya 'round, Blue Eyes."

"Yeah. See ya, Dai." I shut the door behind him._ He knows._ Well, he may not know exactly. But he does know that something's wrong.

But why do I care? Shouldn't I be happy that he sees it? I should, but yet I'm not. I don't want anyone to know that I, Ishida Yamato, let my father beat the shit out of me.

I glance down at my wrist and wonder how long I can keep this up. And then as I move my eyes to the spot that Daisuke stood only seconds before, I notice idly that my wrist has begun to tingle.


	6. Love Torn Us Under

* * * * *

Notes: This is a very angst-filled chapter. Well, at least at the end it is. It's also a very eventful one. No abuse though. In fact, Yama's dad isn't even in this part. Anyway…before you even read it, I'm just going to tell you that I am very well aware that I'm evil –grins stupidly for a minute-. Enjoy!

* * * * *

"Sounds like a panic attack to me."

"A panic attack? That's all it was? And I was worried about my mental health for nothing."

Jyou glances at me from over the top of his glasses. "On the contrary, Yamato, a panic attack can be very serious. You could have a panic disorder."

I let out a snort. "God, I'm just fucked either way aren't I?" I cringe at the hurt look on his face. "I'm sorry. It's been a very bad week for me."

"That's all right. I understand. So when did this happen again?"

Did I not just finish telling him the story? Was he even listening the first time? "I was in the hallway after bio and everything suddenly started to spin, so I went to the bathroom where I proceeded to have the breakdown that I described two seconds ago."

"Hmm," he mumbles, continuing to finger through one of his books. "Did anything happen in biology that might have provoked this?"

__

You mean besides Koushiro sticking his nose where it doesn't belong? "No, not that I can think of. It was just a normal day." A little white lie never hurt anyone.

"Hmm," he repeats. Well he certainly acts like a doctor, doesn't he? "I'm not really sure what…" More pages of the book flip and he peers closer at them.

"So what should I do?"

"Well, I think you should relax for a few days. Try to avoid situations that might upset you in any way. You might also want to cut back on the caffeine. If you have another attack, then let me know about it. We might have to get you in to see an actual doctor."

__

Oh yeah…drug city, here I come. "All right. Well I've got practice now, so I'll see you later. Thanks, Jyou."

"Take care, Yamato."

__

You're lying again, I think as I walk out the door. _You don't have practice._ So I'm turning into a compulsive liar. So what?_ And you're a schizophrenic too. You're conversing with yourself._ Okay, I'm officially nuts. _Give the man a prize._ Shut up.

The answering machine is blinking when I get home. I press the play button without much thought. More than likely it's Takeru. He seems to be the only one who ever calls me anymore.

"Hi, Yama. It's Taichi. I kinda thought you'd be home now. Anyway… I was calling to ask if you'd come to my soccer game tomorrow afternoon. I sort of have something I wanna talk to you about, and I thought that maybe we could do it after my game. Call me and let me know. Bye."

Taichi wants to talk to me? About what? He sounded serious. What if he knows? No, he can't know. There's no way he can. The only person that knows is Takeru, and he wouldn't tell Tai. No, knowing Taichi it's probably something stupid. He probably just wants some hair advice. Yeah, that's it.

I pick up the phone and dial.

"Yagami residence." 

"Hello, Mrs. Yagami. This is Yamato. Is Taichi home?" I ask in my best polite voice.

"Oh hi, Yamato. No I'm sorry, he's out with Sora. Would you like me to have him call you back?"

__

Out with Sora. Isn't he always out with her? "No, that's all right. Umm…he called earlier to ask if I'd go to his game tomorrow. Could you tell him that I'm going?"

"I can do that."

"Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Yagami."

"Your welcome, Yamato."

"Goodbye."

"Bye."

I hang up and sigh. He calls me, comments on how I'm not home, and then he's not home when I call. How ironic. 

* * * * *

"Hey, Blue Eyes."

"Hey, Dai." I sit down next to him. The two of us get strange looks from Hikari, Takeru, Sora, and Ken, who are sitting nearby. Obviously they're unaware of my sudden friendship with Daisuke.

"How's your arm?"

I squint at Dai, suddenly reminded of our conversation the other day. "Fine. The same as it was when you saw it two days ago."

This catches Takeru's attention. "What happened to your arm?"

I sigh. "Slammed it in a car door. Nothing major." 

Concerned blue eyes stare at me. "Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Daisuke gives me a triumphant smile, and it suddenly occurs to me that he's won. What he won, however, remains a mystery to me. "Aren't you a bit late?" he asks, reaching up to rearrange his goggles.

"Yeah," Sora agrees, "the game's nearly over." I manage to resist the urge to hurt her.

"Not really. Tai wants to talk to me after this is over, and I didn't really want to watch the whole game."

Daisuke nods. "Probably wants hair advice. God knows he could use it." I snap my head up to look at him. _Now where have I heard that before?_ "What?"

"Nothing," I reply. "I just thought the same thing when he called." The game's over now, I notice as I continue looking forward.

"Well great minds think alike." He grins at me, and I can't help but grin back. "Speaking of big hair…"

I glance up to see Taichi standing in front of us. "Watch it, boy. I might just have to hurt you," he says as he playfully punches Daisuke. His forehead is glistening with sweat, and his uniform is sticking to his body. And he looks so gorgeous. "Hey, baby," he exclaims, and for an insane moment I think he's talking to me. I have to look away as Taichi and Sora kiss.

"Oh, disgusting! Stop that. No one wants to see it." _Note to self: thank Takeru._

"Sorry." And with that Tai detaches himself from the demon that is Sora and fixes his gaze on me. "All right, Yama, let's go."

I feel strangely like a trained puppy as I stand up and begin to follow him. _Yeah, a lovesick puppy._

"Bye, Blue Eyes," I hear after about two steps.

"Bye, Dai," I reply over my shoulder.

Taichi gives me a funny look. "He calls you 'Blue Eyes'?"

"Yeah. Why do you ask?"

He shakes his head. "I don't know. Just seems a little weird. A couple weeks ago, you two hardly ever spoke and now he has his own nickname for you."

He's jealous of Daisuke. The thought brings a slight smile to my lips. "I guess we're closer now." There's silence for a minute. "Didn't you say you wanted to talk to me about something?"

"Yeah, I did." He takes a deep breath, and I suddenly get a sick feeling in my stomach. "Look, Yama, I know that the two of us aren't exactly best friends anymore. We've kind of drifted apart, mainly because you're pushing me away. And I've done a lot of thinking lately, and I know why you're doing it."

__

Oh shit… "You do?" I'm having trouble breathing.

"Yeah, I do. I can't believe I never saw it before. It was so obvious." _Obvious? Oh God…my life is over. He must hate me now._ "I mean, you've been acting weird since Sora and I got together. And even weirder when you were around the two of us." _He's going to hit me any second now. And then he's going to call me a 'faggot' just like in my dreams. _"I just thought that maybe you thought that we wouldn't be best friends anymore or something, but Jesus…" _Then he's going to get all of his soccer friends and they're going to beat me to a bloody pulp._ _And…_ "I can't believe I never saw that you were in love with her." _What?_

"Her?" What the hell is he talking about?

Taichi gives me a peculiar look. "Yeah, Sora."

"Sora?" Is he crazy? Me in love with Sora? "Tai, I don't like Sora."

He stares doubtfully at me. "Look, Yama, it's all right. You don't have to deny it. I know that you can't help it. And while it sort of bothered me at first, I'm fine with it now. It shows that you have good taste in women."

Taste in women? I have no taste in women. He's grinning at me now, which is infuriating. He's not even listening to me. "No, Taichi, you don't understand."

"I understand perfectly. You feel guilty because you are in love with Sora, and you really shouldn't feel guilty."

What is he smoking? First he accuses me of being in love with his girlfriend, then he acts all calm about it, and he's not even letting me speak. Okay, fine. He won't listen to me. I'll make him. Without another thought, I crush my lips to his. He stiffens, and I immediately regret that move.

When I pull back, I see him staring at me with wide eyes. "I tried to tell you. I'm not in love with Sora. I'm in love with you, Tai."

He doesn't say anything, just backs a step away from me. "I…I have…to go." And with that, he spins around and starts to run.

Tears start to well up in my eyes. _Well, so much for relaxing for a few days. _A sob escapes my throat as I fall to the ground, the tears finally flowing freely down my face.

__

Damn you, Taichi. Damn you for making me love you.


	7. Suicide is Painless

* * * * * 

Notes: Hello, people. Wow, I got this out quickly didn't I? I had a bit of inspiration and a lot of free time. I even have about half of the next part done, so it shouldn't take too long. This chapter's a bit depressing. Yes, there is some violence, amongst other sad things that shall remain nameless. I was afraid that this chapter would be a little cliché as far as Matt fics go (you'll see what I mean). But then I figured what the heck? It's got my own personal ring to it.

Anyway, enjoy chapter 7. And let me know what you think.

* * * * * 

"…And then I kissed him. I mean…what was I thinking? And he just stood there with his eyes wide open, not responding, but not pushing away either. And when I pulled back and told him that I loved him, he just stared at me and then he said that he had to go and ran off. I can't believe that I did that. How could I be so stupid?"

"You're not stupid," my brother says, running his fingers through my hair. The two of us have been like this for a while now, me crying in his arms with him making his best attempts at comforting me. "I personally think it was sort of romantic," he continues.

"Tai didn't," I respond quietly.

Takeru sighs into my hair. "Yeah, well Tai's a jerk. He wouldn't know romance if it took a huge chunk out of his testicles, chewed them up for a bit, and then spit them back out."

"Oh, stop it. I don't blame him. If I was him, I would've done the same thing. Of course, I probably would've done it after I kicked my ass."

"Why do you think that everyone is going to beat you up because you're gay? They won't. I guarantee it. Besides, if you were him you wouldn't have run away. You would have stood there and listened to what you had to say. And Taichi was a jerk for not doing that."

I pause, considering the situation. "He had a lot on his mind. Maybe he had to think it through or something," I say a bit optimistically. Fat chance, but it could happen.

"Why are you defending him?" Takeru asks angrily as he pushes himself away from me. "The man has ripped your heart from your chest and stomped it into the ground. And yet, you're defending him."

"I don't know," I admit, leaning back against the couch cushion. "I just…I can't help it. I think I'll defend him 'til the day I die."

He stares at me for a while. "I guess that what happens when you fall in love."

"I guess." My voice cracks. Man, I sound pathetic. I probably look pathetic too. My eyes are probably puffy and bloodshot. And my hair is probably sticking up in all directions. I probably look like Taichi….

Taichi…hmm…used to be such a beautiful name to me. It's still a beautiful name. Now it just has a bittersweet ring to it. Takeru's right. I should be angry with him. I should hate him with a passion. So why don't I? Good question.

"So why don't you hate him?"

"What?" Why, I never realized my little brother has ESP.

He shrugs. "It seems like a reasonable question. Why don't you hate him?"

"Because I'm in love with him. You said so yourself."

"When did I say that? I said that you defend him because you love him. I didn't say a single thing about hating him," he pauses for a second to study me, then continues. "You can hate someone that you love. In fact, hate is based on love. You have to love someone before you can hate them. I read it in one of Mom's books."

"You're not making any sense, Take." I honestly don't even think he understands what he's trying to tell me.

"I'm just telling you that love is not an excuse for everything that comes up in life."

"I know that," I snap at him. "I'm not using it as an excuse."

Takeru sighs slightly, and I know that I've annoyed him. "Nevermind. Forget I said anything. Think of Taichi however you want to think of him."

Oh, now I feel bad. "Look, I'm sorry. I just don't understand what you're getting at."

"Of course you don't," he smiles wryly, "you're as good as blind." Another sigh escapes his lips. This time it's more of a sad one. "You better go. Dad'll be worried."

"No, he won't." I fight the urge to roll my eyes. "He's never home."

"Well, he's home tonight. He called looking for you just before you got here. I told him I'd send you home if I saw you."

__

Stay calm, Ishida. Don't let Takeru see you sweat. "I guess I'd better go then." I move to let myself out.

"Bye, Yamato," my brother says. Then, almost as an afterthought, "Tai's not perfect, you know."

"To me, he is." Cheesy, I know. But he is.

"An image," he replies. "You're in love with an image."

I choose to ignore his remark. "Goodbye, squirt. And thanks for listening to me."

Takeru shrugs. "What're brothers for?" He made no attempt to hide the worried look on his face.

* * * * *

"Where have you been?"

__

Ishida Yamato, untouched and alive. "Here and there, nowhere in particular."

My father's gaze is unwavering. "And why exactly didn't I know about you going 'here and there'?"

I laugh dryly. "You're never home. What's the point of letting you know where I'm going? You don't care. You just want some reason to kick my ass." Where is my attitude coming from? He's going to kill me. _Untouched and alive._

"Watch your language, boy. I have no tolerance right now." He never has any tolerance, and I consider pointing it out to him but decide against it. "I want you to…"

"You always want me to do something. Well, you know what? I…" Before I can finish my sentence, however, I'm slammed against the floor.

"Didn't I tell you not to interrupt me when I'm talking to you?"

__

Ishida Yamato, untouched and alive.

I want to respond, defend myself or something. And yet, the only thing I can manage is a sharp yelp as his foot comes in contact with my stomach.

* * * * *

It hurts. With every single step I take, it hurts. My stomach is bruised. Not quite like my wrist though. My stomach isn't just one color. It's a multitude of colors, ranging from reds and blues to blacks, browns, and grays. My body is now a work of art. It hurts more than my wrist too. My wrist merely ached for a day or so and then it was over. But my stomach aches, stings, throbs, and burns all at once.

And of course, people continually bumping into me in this godforsaken hallway don't help much either. I hate this school. All these nameless people…oh shit.

__

Red alert. Big brown bush, ten o'clock.

Taichi…well what should I do? I should just walk away, pretend I didn't see him. I start to turn around. _No_, I think, _I want to talk to him._

"Hello, Taichi," I say soberly.

He turns to me, an expressionless look on his face. "Hello, Yamato."

__

Yamato? I can't remember the last time he called me that. It's always 'Yama'. "Tai, I want to talk about what happened yesterday."

He shakes his head and begins to walk away. "There's nothing to talk about." I grab his arm. "Don't touch me." His voice is dangerously quiet, nothing like it normally is.

But I decide to ignore it. "There's a lot to talk about."

"No, there's not," he repeats. He sounds like a broken record. "I have to go. I have class." And with that, he starts to move away from me.

"Taichi…" This is not going how I expected. He's not supposed to be so cold. He's supposed to be angry or disgusted or something, anything other than _this_.

"Leave me alone."

__

That's it. Without so much as a sound I pounce on him and knock him to the floor. I hear his head hit the floor with a loud smack. "That is for lecturing me on friendship." I raise my fist and bring it down. "That is for walking away from me." I dig my knee into his groin. "And that is for making me feel like shit."

And I push myself off of him. Taichi stares at me in shock. He never expected me to do it. Hell, neither did I. And now I feel kinda proud that I did.

But the shock's starting to fade, leaving a look of hurt on his face. Suddenly I'm not so proud anymore. People around us move over to him and check to see if he's injured. But he doesn't even acknowledge them, just stares at me.

__

I can't handle this. As I turn away from him, a thought pops into my head._ That's the same thing my dad does to me. I'm becoming my dad._

* * * * *

"Stupid guitar!" I scream as one of the strings breaks. With shaking hands, I reach over to pull out a new one.

I'm loosing it. I'm positive of it. I haven't stopped shaking since the fight with Tai. I'm sure I'm going to give myself another panic attack if I don't calm down.

Am I really becoming my dad? I can't stop thinking about it. I hurt Taichi, just like my father hurts me. But that doesn't mean I'm turning into him, does it? I mean Tai made me angry. But then again I made my dad angry.

I can't restring my guitar. I'm shaking too much. So I just set the string on the ground and stare at it. Oh, what was it that song said about guitar strings? _He hung himself with a guitar string._ Yeah, that's it.

Hmm. Hung himself with a guitar string? So he killed himself. Well, that certainly sounds appealing.

After all, my life isn't getting any better.

I pick up the string again and tug on both ends. No, I don't think it would hold. I mean, I broke my other string just running my fingers across it. No, I need something strong and solid. And sharp…

The broken glass on my floor glints at me. I still haven't cleaned that up. How did it happen anyway? Oh, I don't even remember. It was so long ago.

I reach over, pick up the biggest piece, and position it over the vein in my right arm. One quick swipe and it'll be over with. Boy, does this feel familiar.

I've been in this position countless times before. Suicidal impulses seem to appear out of nowhere quite often. And every time I manage to convince myself to live, to go on. _Yeah, you convinced yourself that Taichi would want you to live._ But he doesn't anymore, does he? No, I'm all alone.

The glass in my hand stares up at me, nearly begging me to lodge it in my wrist. Won't it hurt? _No, you know what they say. Suicide is painless._

But death is forever. Do I really want to die? _The better question is do you want to live?_ No, I don't.

Without another thought, I slam the sharp glass into my skin. Almost immediately blood starts spurting out in alarming amounts and long piercing pains start going throughout my whole arm.

__

Painless, my ass. Whoever said that should be drug out into a street and shot.

Before I even realize it I'm sobbing. Loud choking sobs that seem to echo through the apartment. _Oh God…_

I made a mistake. This isn't right. I don't want to die.

But I can't move my arm. It's paralyzed or something. And I feel so tired. Why am I so tired? I think I'm going to faint.

As I close my eyes, I can swear that I hear someone pounding on the front door. And then there's blackness.


	8. A Vision of Dead Desire

Notes: Anyone else (who lives in the states) been watching Digimon reruns on Foxkids lately

Notes: Anyone else (who lives in the states) been watching Digimon reruns on Foxkids lately? Did you see the whole soda vs. pop thing with Cody and Matt? I found it incredibly hilarious. "What're you, like four?" When Matt said that, I just died. Anyone else find it amusing?

Anyway, back to the story. Yeppers, this is chapter eight and up in record time. I am too good…or not. I might mention that I sort of bad mouth hospitals and nurses and such in this part. If you work in a hospital and this offends you, then I'm sorry. I've just had lots of bad experiences there. 

Besides that, I'm not entirely sure how to describe this part. Doesn't it have a neat title though? A Vision of Dead Desire? I think it is. Anyway…it's a little sad, a little happy, and a little weird. Has a lot of friendly sap in it though. Guess you'll just have to read it to see. Enjoy. Oh and by the way, at the end of this part is this little ole blue reviewing box. Wonder what that's used for? (hint, hint)

* * * * *

"I think he's waking up. Takeru, go get the nurse. Yamato, come on. Wake up, sweetheart. Can you hear me, Yamato? I said wake up."

I know that voice. "Mom?" But that better not be my voice. My voice doesn't crack like that.

"Yes, sweetheart. It's me." She's crying. I can't see her, but I know that she's crying. "Can you open your eyes?" I probably can, but I don't really want to. Black is a good color. Oh well, at least try for her. "There you go. How do you feel?" I wonder if she realizes that she's talking to me like I'm a two-year-old.

"I'm fine," I tell her. To be truthful, I feel horrible but I'm not going to tell her that. I clear my throat and glance at my surroundings. "Where am I?"

A troubled look crosses her face. "You're in a hospital." Tears glisten in her eyes. "We were in the middle of dinner when all of a sudden Takeru said that something was wrong, that he could feel it. I tried to call, but no one picked up. So he made me drive out to the apartment, and…you were unconscious and bleeding all over." She lets out a loud sob and sinks into the chair next to my bed.

I make a move to put my arms around her. Then realization strikes. "Why can't I move?" I snap my head down to find both my arms and legs strapped to the bed.

"It's hospital policy for all of our suicidal patients to be restrained," a new voice informs me from the door. I look over to see an incredibly large and overly happy nurse enter with Takeru shuffling behind her. "And how are you feeling, Mr…" she pauses to glance at the chart hanging on the edge of my bed, "Ishida?"

"I feel fine," I repeat. "I just don't see why I have to be 'restrained'."

She continues smiling at me, just like a doll. "To make sure that you don't hurt yourself. It's for your own protection, I assure you."

"Hurt myself? If I want to hurt myself, all I have to do is my move my arm a little bit," I say, demonstrating. "It hurts like hell." And it does too. I can feel the still throbbing wound on my wrist rub against the straps, and it doesn't feel pleasant at all.

But her smile doesn't falter. If anything, it gets a little wider. Someone should really tell her that she's trying too hard. "I'll be back shortly with some medication." She then turns on her heel and waddles out the door.

Silence engulfs the room. All three of us stare at each other expectantly, none of us wanting to be the first to speak. With a slight sigh I drop my gaze and start messing around with the restraints, doing my best to ignore the pain it causes.

"Your father couldn't come," my mother says quietly. "He had to work late."

__

Of course he did. I want to make some sarcastic and possibly degrading comment about the man but refrain. I'm too tired, and it probably won't accomplish anything. Instead I nod slightly and lean my head back against the pillow.

"I'll be back." I glance over in time to see her give my brother a pointed look before leaving the room.

Takeru gazes at me, an unreadable look on his face. "How do you feel?" he asks as he takes a seat in the chair.

"Like an animal," I rasp and glare at the straps for emphasis.

"I know," he says quietly, fingering them. "Mom and I argued with the doctors over them. You're a human being. You shouldn't be strapped down, whether you're suicidal or not." He sighs as he glances at me. "Are you all right?"

"No," I reply honestly.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"Okay." And the two of us sit in silence.

After about five minutes Dollface (the nurse) decides to reappear, this time pushing a cart, with Mom in tow. The cart is pushed to my left as she reaches in a bin on the top of it, producing a needle.

"What are you doing?" I try to pull away but can't for obvious reasons. But the nurse ignores me and starts filling the hypo with some sort of liquid. "What is that?" By 'medication' I thought she meant pills or something that can be swallowed, not a shot.

"Thorazine," she tells me. "You need your rest, and it'll help you sleep."

"No, I can sleep just perfectly on my own, with no drugs."

Once again she ignores me. I let out a small hiss when the needle penetrates my skin. I'm about to speak my mind and tell her exactly what I think about her, but almost immediately I'm struck with the intense urge to go to sleep. Within seconds, I'm dead to the world.

* * * * *

"Hey, wake up. Your breakfast is here. Hurry up and eat it before it gets cold."

Can't anyone see that all I want to do is sleep? I don't want to eat any breakfast food from the hospital. Just leave me be.

"Come on. I know you hear me. Save yourself some trouble and just wake up. I don't want to dump this entire thing of water on your head. It'll so mess up your hair."

My hair? My eyelids snap open.

"Knew that'd work. Mornin', Blue Eyes."

I glare at the grin on Daisuke's face before surveying the hospital room. "Where's Mom and Takeru?"

"They were here all night. So one of the nurses suggested that they go get something to eat and shower. But they didn't want to leave you alone so I offered to stay with you, which you should be thanking me for."

"Why?"

"Because if I didn't, some fat nurse with a fake smile would have woken you up instead of me."

I laugh lightly. "Then you have my gratitude." I would have had a heartattack on the spot if Dollface was the first thing I saw when I woke up. I attempt to stretch, only to discover that I am still tied down. "How am I supposed to eat like this?"

Daisuke shrugs. "Simple. I feed you." I widen my eyes a little. "Either I feed you or I call that nurse in here and have her sit on you while I shove it down your throat. Take your pick. Either way, you are eating this stuff."

A sigh finds its way out of my mouth as I give in. I have never in my life felt so helpless as I do right now, and I don't like it at all.

"Okay," he exclaims as he scoops up a piece of the eggs on a spoon. "Now, open up for the train. Chugga chugga, chugga chugga, choo choo."

__

What the…"Daisuke," I say after swallowing, "if that spoon goes 'choo choo' again, it is going up your nose."

"Oh, you're no fun." He stares at the food tray for a minute before spooning up a bit of the unidentifiable brown blob on it. "So, you feeling okay?"

"Physically or mentally?"

"Both." 

He brings the food up to my mouth. It tastes like chalk. "Not so good either way. I'm exhausted. My wrist hurts, my head throbs, and I can't feel my feet." I pause to take a drink of water. "Dai, don't ever try to kill yourself."

Daisuke gives me a sad smile. "You know speaking of suicide, I remember once when I was younger. My mom was dying her hair blond with one of those home coloring things. And I thought it would be so cool to have blond hair too. So I took the left over stuff and put it in my hair with my hands. When I was done, I had platinum blond hair with big auburn patches and my hands were stained."

I laugh, imagining what he'd looked like. "What does that have to do with suicide?"

"Absolutely nothing. But it made you laugh." He stares at me with an unreadable expression. "Want to talk about it?"

"About what?"

"Oh, I don't know. The weather, news, why you want to die…"

I shake my head. "I don't want to die."

"Then why'd you do it?"

"Because I thought I wanted to. But I was wrong. There was this moment right before I blacked out where I realized that I wanted to live. And I realized that I'd made a big mistake." I have to look away from him. The pleading look in his eye is too much for me.

"Why did you think that you wanted to die in the first place?"

"I thought nobody cared about me and it hurt."

He makes a sound in the back of his throat. "People care. Your brother cares. Your mother cares. Gabumon cares. All of the digidestined care. Hell, I care. You are the only person in this world who doesn't treat me like a nuisance, and I appreciate that."

If I could hug him right now, I would. Believe me, I would. But he'll have to settle for a smile, a genuine smile, that is. "Thank you."

Daisuke shrugs weakly before pulling the now empty tray away from me. "No problem. Now go back to sleep. You look like you need it."

"Okay." I do my best to find a comfortable position, but fail miserably. Oh well, this is as good as I'm gonna do. "Night, Dai."

"Sweet dreams, Blue Eyes."

The last thing I hear is him humming a nameless tune under his breath before I fall into a light sleep.

* * * * *

Eventually the restraints were taken off, only to be replaced by a police officer guarding my door. "To keep you from hurting yourself," Dollface had said. (A/N: Believe it or not, they actually do this in some hospitals.) Supposedly when they were 100% positive that I was stable, then he'd leave. I should probably feel special, but I don't. I just feel even worse.

Other than that though, no new changes. It's been two days since I was admitted. Most of the time, I'm alone. Mom's at work, and Dad still hasn't shown his face. After school hours are over, Takeru and Dai come over and keep me company. Yesterday Ken, Koushiro, Jyou, and Hikari tagged along to see how I was. I felt a little better after their visit.

Right now, it's just me and my brother. Daisuke left a little while ago for soccer practice. I hate to admit it but that kid is growing on me. He isn't treating me any differently because of this suicide attempt, which is a pleasant change from everyone else.

A knock brings me out of my thoughts. "Hey, can I come in?" I jerk my head around to see Taichi standing awkwardly at the door.

"Get out, Tai. He doesn't want to talk to you. You've done enough already." There's unmistakable venom in Takeru's voice that makes me a tad bit proud.

But Taichi is unfazed by it. "I would like to talk to Yamato...alone."

"I don't care what _you_ want to do. Why don't you…"

"Hey, squirt," I interrupt. "It's all right. He can talk. I'd sort of like to hear what he has to say."

Takeru gives me a confused look, but doesn't say anything more as he leaves the hospital room. He does, however, stop at the doorway to give Tai the most intimidating look I have ever seen.

"I'm sorry," I say before he can speak. I might as well get this over with. "What I did the other day in the hall was really stupid, and I apologize."

He groans and rolls his eyes. "Don't be sorry. I mean, it hurt and all. But it made me realize what a jerk I was being to you."

"You had every right to be a jerk. I am completely disgusting and…"

"You are not disgusting, Yama. You never have been. You never will be," Taichi tells me as he takes a seat in the chair where Takeru was moments before. "I just…it's not every day that your best friend, who also happens to be of the same sex, kisses you and confesses his love."

"I'm sorry," I start again.

"Stop apologizing. You have no reason to. Besides, I'm not done yet." He laughs weakly before continuing. "After I left, I went home and told Kari about it. And she said that she knew that you liked me, that it was a well-known fact. Everyone saw it. Everyone except me. And I felt stupid. Before I thought you liked Sora, and I felt stupid because I didn't see it. And now I feel 100 times stupider." 

"Taichi…"

"Let me finish. I won't lie to you. It bothers me. And I'm disgusted at myself because it bothers me. But I'll get over it because you're my best friend. As long as you understand that I'm straight and with Sora."

"I understand that," I tell him truthfully. "I know that you're straight. I always have. That's why I never told you before. But you were going on about how it was all right to like Sora, and you wouldn't listen to me. I just had to shut you up somehow."

"God I'm dense, aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are."

Tai sighs and looks down at my bandaged wrist. "You did that because of me, didn't you?"

"No. You were just sort of the last straw. After all, you're not my _whole_ life," I joke lightly.

"You gonna be okay?"

It's my turn to sigh. "I think so. It still hurts. Maybe now it'll be a lot easier to get over you."

"What, you mean I'm that replaceable?"

I giggle quietly. "No, it's just that…that kiss…wasn't that good."

He looks plainly offended. "That was just because I didn't respond. I was too shocked, you know. But if I'd kissed back it would have been a lot better. Maybe even the best you'll ever have."

"That's not what I mean, you egomaniac." My eyes roll. "I meant that…well, it wasn't what I expected. There weren't any fireworks. Whether or not you respond, aren't there supposed to be fireworks or sparks or something?"

"Ohh, I get it. I'm not the one, huh?"

"Yeah. Either that or you're just _that_ bad of a kisser."

"Hey!" Tai smacks me playfully. "So does this mean we're still friends?"

I grin at him. "The best."

He stares at me intently for a second. "I'm sorry, Yama."

"For what?"

"Everything." He gives me a melancholy smile before holding out his arms. "C'mere."

I push myself closer to him as he encloses me in a hug. My head leans on his shoulder as I take a deep breath. We're still friends, the way we should be.

And all that's left is just a vision of a dead desire.


	9. Roses in the Hospital

* * * * *

Notes: I don't know why but somehow I just feel the need to put a note at the beginning of every single chapter. Maybe I should talk to a therapist. Anyway, another no-violence chapter. If you want a quick summary: a certain someone _finally_ gets a verbal butt kicking and we get a bit of friendly fluff. Enjoy.

* * * * *

Two more days gone have gone by. The policeman at my door left yesterday. I guess that means that Dollface thinks I'm sane. My father still hasn't come to visit me, not that I really expected him to. It still kind of hurts though.

You know, I've been in this hospital for four whole days. That's 96 hours. Quite frankly, I never want to see another hospital ever again. Because those 96 hours are all a blur to me. I wake up, eat, get a shot of Thorazine, go back to sleep, wake up, eat again, get more Thorazine, wake up, get evaluated by a doctor, eat more, and get another shot of Thorazine before going back to sleep.

Sick, sad world, yes, I know. But somehow I'm completely content this way. After all, in my drug-induced sleep I don't have to think about how horrible I feel. The slash on my arm, the bruises on my stomach, the black haze of depression in my head, it all just fades away.

"What're you thinking about?"

I jump slightly, startled at being thrown out of my thoughts. "Huh?"

Taichi gives me a grin. "You have this intense look on your face. I was asking what you were thinking about."

I shrug and continue picking at the green meat on my food tray. "Nothing much. Just thinking about how much I hate this hospital."

"Yeah, I got the idea that you don't enjoy being here."

My brother snorts maliciously. "Wow, Tai, you actually noticed something about him. It's about time. I'm proud of you." Thick drops of sarcasm ooze in his voice.

"Takeru…" I say warningly. He does this every time that Tai visits, making some derogatory comment about him or the way he treated me. I find it sorta sweet, that he's so protective of me. It reminds me of how I am with him.

But Taichi merely shakes his head. "No, it's all right, Yama. Your brother has every right to be mad at me."

"Be mad at you?" He gives another caustic laugh. "I have every right to _hate_ you, you sadistic bastard!"

"Oh, if my sister could hear you now…"

"Then she'd agree with me! Everyone would agree with me! What you did was stupid!" I swear that there's steam coming out of his ears.

Tai runs a hand through his hair. "I'm not saying that it wasn't. In fact, I'm perfectly aware that it was. You just don't have to be so viscous about it. This isn't anything like you."

"You know, that is the exact same thing that I thought when Yamato was telling all about how you just ran off!"

By now, they have both stood from their chairs and are staring at each other dangerously. I'm positive that if I don't interrupt, Takeru is going to pounce on Taichi and strangle him to death. "Guys…"

But my brother ignores me and continues. "You know what? I remember telling him a long time ago to just tell you how he felt. I told him that you would be reasonable about it. I told, no, I promised him that you wouldn't hurt him, that you wouldn't hate him or hit him or _run away _from him. But you did run away, Tai. And you made me the liar."

I see Taichi's eyes soften a little at this. He opens his mouth to speak, but Takeru decides to keep going, dropping his voice to a low growl.

"Have you ever held your older brother, the self-proclaimed 'cool one', while he cries after some asshole decides to just _run away _and destroy every ounce of self-confidence that he ever had? No, Tai, you never have. So don't try to tell me how I should or shouldn't act. Because you have no idea." And with that, Takeru drops back down into his chair and stares emotionlessly at the bedspread.

Taichi stares at him with a shocked expression that I normally would have found humorous if it weren't for these circumstances. With a brief glance at the clock, he finally speaks. "I'd better go. I have a date with Sora." He winces visibly as he says it. "Oh God…I'm sorry, Yama. That was really stupid."

"Stop apologizing to me every single time you mention her name," I tell him feeling a little nauseous. How many times do I have to tell him that before he'll get it through his thick head?

Takeru smirks darkly. "Nice going, Yagami."

Tai's gaze moves to him for a second before returning to me. "I'm sorry, I just…" He pauses and then sighs. "I'll see you later, Yama."

The moment he disappears outside the door I hear Takeru growl under his breath. "God…"

I lean my head back against the bed. "Don't blame him. It's not his fault that he's a dense jerk."

"So it does upset you when he mentions Sora?"

"Of course it does. But I can live with it. What bothers me is that he feels this need to apologize every time he does. I just want to burst into tears and then rip out my hair when he does." I pause before giving him a gentle look. "You didn't have to yell at him, you know."

"Yes I did," he claims as he rolls his eyes. "Taichi needed someone to put him in his place, and I was more than happy to do it. You may have forgiven him, but that doesn't mean that I have to."

Another grin finds it way onto my face. Never have I ever seen my brother actually hate someone as much as he does Tai right now. He really is starting to act like me. Well, sort of.

I can't hate Tai. Not beautiful, funny, thickheaded, stupid, big-haired Tai. It's beyond me to hate him. _Oh no, here we go again…_

I'm lying to myself. I said that I could get over him, that I could live without him, that I could be okay. And it's all a lie.

At least before I had this dream of being with him. It's the one where he realizes he's in love with me, dumps Sora, and we live happily ever after. I suppose that I've been reading too much yaoi fan fiction on the Internet lately.

But now I don't even have my dream anymore. It's been shattered into a million pieces. And it hurts like hell.

"Excuse me. Yamato Ishida?" I glance up at the doctor who's just walked in. "Hello, I'm Dr. Turco. I would like to talk with you for a little bit."

__

Whoa, a new one. I move my gaze to Takeru, and he gives me a sympathetic look. "I'll take that as my cue to go get something to eat," he says standing up.

Dr. Turco gives him a grateful smile before turning back to me. "So, Yamato, how are you feeling?"

"All right. My wrist stings and I'm tired, but other than that I'm fine." I learned days ago to cooperate with the doctors and give them small details. Otherwise they just ask more questions until they get it out of you.

"Hmm," he mumbles as he looks over my chart. "And how about emotionally?"

I shrug. "I'm better than I was when I first was admitted. I don't feel as dejected, and I'm not suicidal anymore."

"You're not?"

"No. In fact, I kind of regret doing what I did. It was a really stupid thing to do."

"You aren't just saying that so that you can get out of here, are you?"

I snicker. "If I still wanted to kill myself, don't you think I would have jumped out of that window by now?"

"I suppose." He grins a little. Wow, nothing like the other doctors that have been in here to talk to me.

"Speaking of which, when am I being released?"

"I'm not sure actually. It all depends on your psychiatric evaluation, which is scheduled for tomorrow. If they think you're all right, you could be out tomorrow. And if not, you might be staying for a while."

I let out a sigh and stare at the food tray that still sits in front of me. _Let me pass that evaluation. I can't survive any more of this food._

"Listen, Yamato," Dr. Turco says as he scoots a bit closer, "I wanted to ask you about the bruises on your wrist and your stomach. Can you tell me about them?"

__

Ha, I knew this was coming sometime or another. "Sure," I answer. _Stay calm, stay cool, don't sweat._ "I got in a fight in school with this guy."

"A fight?" His eyebrows furrow with slight doubt.

"Yeah. This guy was saying some stuff about me, so I cornered him and told him off. Then when I tried to walk away, he grabbed my wrist to stop me. I thought he was going to break it, hence the bruise. Then we threw a few punches before he knocked me to the ground and kicked me repeatedly in the stomach. Of course, then I pulled him down with me and kicked the crap out of him. Wouldn't be surprised if I punctured a lung." Is it obvious that I've practiced this?

Dr. Turco looks more convinced now. "Hmm. You're sure it was just a fight?"

"No, I just hallucinated it," I say sarcastically.

He gives me a look. "Okay. Just making sure."

"Is that all you wanted to ask?"

Another glance at my chart. "Yes. I suppose you want me out of here, not that I blame you. I'm sure you're sick of doctors."

I give him a small smile. "Something like that." And with a wave, he leaves my room._ Stupid doctors…_

My wrist is still black, of course. Maybe a tiny bit lighter, but it's still black. I've nearly gotten used to it. Of course, now I've got the other one to get used to. Why did I have to cut my wrist? Why couldn't I have overdosed so I wouldn't have any scars to look at afterward?

The sound of a throat being cleared interrupts my thoughts. I jerk my head up and smile at the sight of those familiar goggles.

"Hello, Dai."

"Hey, Blue Eyes. How's it going?" Daisuke set his bag next to the wall before taking a seat in the chair beside my bed.

"I'm all right." You know, I'm sick of telling people that.

"You look better."

"I do?"

He nods. "Yeah, a lot. You're not as pale and your eyes are sparkling again."

I raise my eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"You have this sparkle in your eye. You lost it a few days ago, and your eyes just sort of dulled. They turned kinda gray. But it's back now." His head cocks to one side and stares into my eyes.

I force an uncomfortable laugh. "You really like my eyes, don't you?"

"I like eyes in general. I mean, you can learn a lot from a person's eyes. Ken's eyes, for example, have a violet tinge to them. Violet is a unique color for eyes. That says that he's a lot different than most people, and he is. But it also says that he's shy, you know, like a shy violet. And it's rare that people are naturally shy, so that tells me that he's has a sad story to tell." 

Daisuke pauses momentarily to gaze at me. "You have incredible eyes, like sapphires or something. And like I said before, they sparkle like a sapphire. So I guess that makes you a gem, doesn't it? You keep yourself hidden from everyone else because you know that they'll ruin you, make you into some worthless piece of women's jewelry. Am I right, Blue Eyes?"

I feel strangely exposed, and I'm not entirely sure why. "You are full of surprises, aren't you, Dai?" There really is more to him than people know. "But I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about my eyes."

A faint blush spreads across his cheeks. "No, I had Ken's mom drop me off so that I could…um…give you something."

"Give me something? What?"

He slips out of the chair and picks up his bag. "Well, I was talking to Hikari yesterday and she said that all of the digidestined were chipping in and getting a bunch of roses or something, which by the way, you should be getting tonight. But I told her not to include me 'cause I was going to give you something else." He gives me a nervous grin. "After all, who wants roses after a suicide attempt? So I bought you something."

I raise my eyebrows once again as I take the poorly wrapping box from his hands. An amused chuckle finds its way out of my mouth when I see what he's bought. "Hair gel? You're giving me four containers of hair gel?"

"Yeah," he says as he runs his fingers through his hair. 

"You didn't have to…"

Daisuke raises his hand, cutting me off. "I know, but I wanted to."

I give him another smile. "Thank you." I pause, suddenly remembering something. "Hey Dai, get over here. I owe you a hug."

"From when?"

"From when you gave me that lecture on how people care about me. If my arms weren't strapped down, I would've done it then. But I'm doing it now. So get over here."

"You know Blue Eyes," he says as he puts his arms around me, "you are turning into a real softy."

I grin as I pull away. "Yeah, I think it's the drugs. Besides, you just gave me a bunch of new hair gel. How else am I supposed to act?"

He shrugs and sits back in the chair. "So is it better than roses?"

"Way better than roses. God, who wants roses in a hospital anyway?"

"Yeah, that's what I thought." He pulls off his goggles and throws them on top of his bag. "So…talk."

I give him a confused look. "About what?"

"Oh, anything. I've got an hour before I get picked up." Suddenly he smirks widely. "Hey, got any embarrassing stories about your brother?"

I mirror his expression. "Oh, I might just have a couple…"

And it's times like these that I really understand just how much I miss having a close friend.


	10. From Despair to Where

* * * * *

* * * * *

My experience at the hospital was one that I'll always remember. I met more doctors in those five days than I ever wanted to. I had more strangers looking at my body than any person should ever have. And I took more Thorazine than most people will in their whole life.

And yet now I miss being in the hospital. I miss the needles, the food, the doctors, even Dollface. Because all of those things combined is better than being back in the 'real world,' so to speak.

The psychiatric evaluation was hardly what I expected. All it was was a wannabe shrink sitting in a chair next to my bed, asking me all the questions that the doctors asked me earlier. How's school? How's my home life? What about my friends? Do I mind telling him about them? Why did I try to kill myself? Where are the bruises from?

I passed though. And I was released that day, with a list of good psychologists in the area. He thought I might want to set up an appointment. I told him I'd think about it and threw the list away when he left the room.

My dad picked me up. Was I surprised? Of course I was. To be honest, I'd sort of forgotten that he even existed at all. It had been so long since I'd seen him.

The ride home was tense. The Thorazine was still in my system from earlier, and I was half-asleep and curled up in my seat with a huge stuffed wolf that the other Chosen had given me (apparently Dai and I weren't the only ones who thought flowers were a stupid idea). I could feel my father glaring at me every once and a while but managed to ignore it.

Actually being home, however, is a bit of a blur to me. I remember yelling. He started yelling the moment the door shut, something about disgracing our family. And I remember getting punched and being knocked to the ground. My lip was bleeding, and I remember tasting it. And then more yelling. But then I just blacked out. Or at least I think I blacked out. I don't remember anything after that.

I woke up alone with a split lip and a few bruises on my arm. I honestly don't see how my lip could have gotten split. I've gone over that punch a hundred times in my mind, and I can't come up with any conceivable way it could have happened. He hit me in the jaw, nowhere near my lips. And I don't remember biting them or colliding with something when I fell. I suppose I'll never know how it happened.

But it did happen, and now I've got another injury to lie about.

It's my first day back at school and Taichi, Sora, and Koushiro have already asked about it today. I told them that I was feeling drowsy from the Thorazine and managed to trip on the stairs. They seemed to buy it. 

Well, Sora seemed to buy it. Taichi and Koushiro just looked concerned, which reminded me of Daisuke and his 'people care' speech. And for just a moment, everything was all right.

Then of course, Sora laid her head on Tai's shoulder. And after glancing at me he pushed her away, which caused all hell to break loose. I felt nauseous again, and Sora started yelling at him for 'being a jerk'.

When the bell rang, I stalked away towards my biology class, which is where I sit right now listening to the teacher explain the next computer activity. That's all we do in this class, I swear, computer activities.

"All right, class, now find a computer and work."

With a sigh I sit myself down at the nearest computer. Now what was I supposed to be doing again?

"Mind if I work with you?" Koushiro asks, walking up beside me.

I shake my head and let go of the mouse, allowing him to take charge of the activity, seeing as I have no clue what we should be doing.

He pulls up a chair. "Look, it's fairly obvious what's going on between you and Taichi. I think everyone knows. But…he's trying, you know."

"I know. He just isn't getting it. And he won't listen to me when I try to explain it."

"He thinks it hurts you when he's around her like that. That's why he's doing it."

"No, he's doing it because he feels guilty." I lean back and gesture towards the computer. "We have to get this done."

And with a nod from Koushiro, the subject is dropped.

* * * * *

"You don't have to do this, you know."

Takeru puts his chopsticks down. "Do what? Spend time with my older brother?"

"No, baby-sit me. I know you say that's not what you're doing but I know it is. You think I'm going to do something stupid again, and that's why you've been spending every single evening over here."

He stares at me for a second before giving me a wry grin. "Figured me out, huh?"

I shrug. "It isn't that hard to see it, squirt. Besides I had a feeling you'd be doing this even before I got out of the hospital."

"You know me too well."

"Yeah I do," I agree. "I'm not going to do it again, you know."

He doesn't respond for a moment, and I realize that he doesn't believe me. "I can't make it tomorrow, basketball, you know. But I think I'll have someone else come. Maybe Hikari or Ken or someone."

"Taichi?" It's meant as a joke.

"Over my dead body." Unfortunately, I don't think he finds it funny.

"Takeru…"

He rolls his eyes and twirls one of his chopsticks. "Or maybe Daisuke. You seem to be getting along with him quite well." I opt not to say anything. "You know, yesterday Dai decided to tell our whole history class about when I put ice in my underwear to keep the monsters from eating my balls (A/N: I have a cousin who did this). You don't by chance know who told him that story, do you?"

I feign innocence. "Not a clue. Where on earth did he get that? Maybe he has developed psychic abilities."

"Mm hm." He's not convinced. The two of us eat in silence for a moment. Then suddenly I feel him watching me intently. "You sure you just tripped?"

It takes me a second before I realize that he's referring to my lip. "Yeah. What else could have happened?"

Takeru peers a little closer. "I don't know. It just looks like you got in a fight, that's all. It wasn't Tai, was it?"

I start to laugh, shocked that he'd even think something like that. "Takeru, that is completely insane. Tai wouldn't cut my lip open. How could you suggest that?"

"I don't know. It's just that…with that and your wrist…Yamato, you'd tell me if some…asshole at school were to hurt you, wouldn't you?" He's giving me his concerned pout, and it might as well be Taichi asking me the question. I can't lie to him when he pouts like that.

"Of course I would." And it's true too. If some guy _at school_ were to kick the crap out of me, I'd tell him. I just refuse to tell him that it was Dad.

* * * * *

__

I write this alone in my bed

I've poisoned every room in the house

The place is quiet and so alone

Pretend there's something worth waiting for

There's nothing nice in my head

The adult world took it all away

Wake up with the same spit in my mouth

Cannot tell if it is real or not

I try and walk in a straight line

An imitation of dignity

From despair to where

I feel the headphones being pulled away. "Hey, Blue Eyes."

With a yelp, I jerk around. "Dai…don't ever do that again."

He laughs lightly. "Sorry, Blue Eyes. I knocked but no one answered, and the door was unlocked so I let myself in. Hope you don't mind."

"No, not at all. You just scared me a little bit." I shut off my CD player and get out of the bathtub that I was cleaning. "So, you're my brother's replacement?"

"If that's what you want to call me. I was told that you needed some company for the evening."

"Yeah well…" I trail off, fighting off a bitter comment. "Can I get you anything? A drink or something?"

Daisuke shakes his head with a smile. "No, thanks. I'll be all right." Dear God, we sound like the people on those stupid American television shows. "Mind if I ask a question?"

"Go ahead."

He reaches his hand up to my cheek. "What happened?" His thumb runs lightly across my bottom lip, causing me to shiver slightly.

"They let me out of the hospital when I was still drugged up, and I sort of lost my balance on the stairs to the apartment," I say, surprising myself as I lean delicately into his touch.

"Hmm." I feel his hand leave my cheek. "That had to hurt. You okay?"

By the way he said it, I don't really think he was talking about my lip. But I nod anyway and take a deep breath. "Okay. I've got to finish cleaning this, so just hang on for a second. It shouldn't take long. Then we can do whatever."

"Want me to do anything?"

A sadistic grin spreads across my face. "Well actually…" I open the cabinet and pull out the toilet bowl cleaner. "Here. Make yourself useful."

I can feel him smile at me as I climb back into the bathtub. "You know," he says after a minute, "I don't see you as the person who would voluntarily clean their bathroom."

I shrug as I scrub one of the corners. "I've always been a clean person. I mean, I'm not obsessive-compulsive or anything. I just like my bathroom to not have bugs crawling around in it. And if I don't do it, who will? My dad sure won't."

"You and your dad aren't exactly the best of friends, are you?"

I give him a curious look. "What makes you say that?

"You get this expression on your face when you mention him, a very disdainful one. And…well, I never saw him at the hospital. And I know that if my son was in the hospital for _that_ then I'd be practically living there…" Daisuke sets the brush back in its container and flushes the toilet.

A sigh escapes from my lips. "We used to be close. But now his whole world revolves around his work. And when I do get to see him, all we do is fight. So no, we don't exactly have an ideal father-son relationship."

Seeing as how Dai has already finished cleaning the toilet, I decide to quit scrubbing the bathtub. The moment my feet touch the floor of the bathroom, a pair of arms pulls me into a quick hug. "What was that for?" I ask when I'm released.

He gives a shrug. "You looked like you could use it."

"Well, thanks. So you hungry?"

"Starving. You gonna cook me one of your famous meals that I hear so much about?"

I grin and start toward the kitchen. "All right. What do you want?"

"Whatever you're willing to fix, Blue Eyes."

And I smile yet again. You know, I never realized it before but…God I love that name.


	11. You're Tender and You're Tired

"You don't have to stay, you know

Notes: Ladies and gentlemen, we have now officially established a future couple (if you have not guessed it by now, then I pity you. How on earth do you get through in this life?). And a warning for this chapter: this chapter actually has bits and pieces that may be considered…fluffy. –audience gasps- Yes, Kris has left the building.

And BTW, the lyrics for "You're Tender and You're Tired" by the Manic Street Preachers is used in this chapter. Of course, the original song is very repetitive and I took out most of that stuff. Reading the same line 40 times gets annoying. Anyway without further ado, here's chapter 11 (the longest chapter yet). Enjoy.

* * * * *

"You don't have to stay, you know. It's already 8, and my dad won't be home any time soon."

Brown eyes blink at me. "It's all right. I told my parents that I was leaving here at 9, and that's when I'm going to leave." Daisuke turns back to the television for a second. "And there's nothing you can say that is going to change my mind."

"What makes you think I'm going to try? I just thought your parents might be worried. To be perfectly honest, I like having you here."

"You do?"

"Yeah. Hell, you can take my brother's place if you want." And the strange part is that it's true. Don't get me wrong, I love Takeru. But these days, I'd much rather have Dai's company than his.

He smiles shyly. "I don't think he'd like that very much."

I shrug and start to idly pick at my nails. He probably wouldn't be too happy if I told him that I'd rather have Daisuke here than him. Not that I blame him. If I were him, I'd pitch a fit.

"Speaking of your brother, can I ask you a question?"

I nod and motion for him to ask away.

Daisuke swallows and moves so that he's sitting perfectly straight. "When your brother asked me if I could come over here today, I asked him why he didn't call Taichi. After all, you two are best friends and I know he had nothing to do today. But Takeru said that he didn't want that 'useless, self-absorbed jerk anywhere near my brother'."

__

Useless, self-absorbed jerk? I grown inwardly and tell him to continue.

"So I asked Tai about it after school today. He said that Takeru was just protecting you. What is he talking about? Are you and Tai in some sort of fight or something?"

I let out the breath I had been holding. Now how should I explain this? "A fight? Well, sort of. Remember that soccer game that he wanted to meet me after? Well…it wasn't exactly the greatest experience of my life. We both did some things that we shouldn't have done, said some things that shouldn't have been said. I told Takeru about it, and he got all protective. Taichi and I are fine now; we talked things over at the hospital. But I think my brother will forever hold a grudge against him."

He stares at me completely emotionless. "That soccer game? Wasn't that the night before you tried to kill yourself? What did he say to you? Was that why you did it?"

"No," I say immediately shaking my head. "It was just…I tried to talk to him that day at school and he just…" I can't find the words to communicate what I'm trying to say. "Okay, so maybe it was part of the reason. Sort of like the last straw, you know. The weight just got to be too heavy and the bridge broke, if you'll excuse my horrid metaphors."

Concern flashes across his face. "What you mean 'the last straw'? What happened before it?"

I frown, realizing a bit late that I said too much. "What didn't happen? The divorce, the fighting, the list can go on and on."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"No, I don't."

"All right. But if you ever need to, I'm here." Dai scoot a little closer to me, and puts his arm around my shoulder.

"I know you are," I reply, placing my head against his shoulder. I feel him sigh into my hair as he leans his head against mine.

We stay like that for a while, locked in an overly friendly embrace. I should move, push myself away from him. But I really don't want to. This feels so comforting, so…

The front door swishes open. With a quiet yelp, I leap away from Daisuke to the opposite side of the couch. _He's home early. Please do not let him have seen us._

My father shuts the door behind him and starts to make his way to the bedroom. He pauses in front of the sofa to glare pointedly at me for a second before moving his gaze to Dai, who scowls right back at him.

"Bad day?" I ask, trying to do something that will stop this vicious staring contest. I can only imagine what Daisuke is thinking right now.

His reply is a mere grunt. Then with a final look at me, he continues walking to his room. The door slams shut.

The room is quiet for a long while. I stare expectantly at my goggled companion, waiting for him to say something. But he's still glowering at the space where my dear father once stood.

"Dai?" I ask, finally getting tired of the silence.

His expression softens almost automatically as he turns to me. "If you want, you can spend the night at my house. My parents won't mind."

I force a laugh. "And get molested by your sister? I think not." He looks away, obviously not amused. "If you're worried because of him, then don't be. Every once and a while, he has a really bad day at work and he's in a horrible mood for the rest of the night. It's no big deal."

His mouth opens, as if he's going to say something, before thinking better of it and closing it. "I'd better be getting home." He starts to get up.

In a quick movement I grab his arm and sit him back down. "No, don't do that. It's only 8:30; you've still got another 30 minutes before you have to leave. So stay…please."

Daisuke smiles slightly and pulls me back into the position I was in before my dad barged in. "All right, Blue Eyes. I'll stay, but only because you said 'please'."

I sigh and move a little closer to him, ignoring the fact that I'm getting a little too cozy for a normal straight guy. But that doesn't really matter to me anymore. Nothing really matters that much anymore. After all I've lost my best friend, attempted to destroy myself, hurt my brother, disgraced my family, and made my father hate me.

A choked sob finds it way out of my throat, and I bury my face into Dai's shirt in an attempt to muffle the sounds. _Oh great, I'm crying _again.

A gentle hand begins to stroke my hair. "It'll be okay, Blue Eyes. We'll get through this."

If I could speak at this moment, I'd ask him how. Because sometimes, Dai, I really wonder about that.

* * * * *

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was at some lake with Taichi. I had my head in his lap and he was messing with my hair lovingly.

I moved to that I was looking up at him. "I love you, you know."

He merely smiled at me before leaning down and kissing me. And it was a beautiful kiss, full of love and passion. I sat up and put one leg on each side of him so that we were closer together.

Tai's lips left mine and moved down to my neck. "I love you too, Blue Eyes."

Within a second I threw myself off of his lap and into the grass. He was looking at me with a hurt expression that broke my heart. I opened my mouth to speak but suddenly he disappeared, leaving me alone and completely confused.

And that was when I woke up. I've tried to decipher it. After all, it must have some meaning otherwise I wouldn't have had it. But I can't find one. Tai called me 'Blue Eyes'. Only Daisuke calls me that. So why would he? It makes no sense.

"What do you think, Yama?" Why does everyone always have to interrupt my thoughts?

"Um…I agree with you," I tell Taichi, who's staring intently at me.

"You agree with me? And what do you agree with me on?"

I falter. Okay, he caught me. "Fine, I have no idea what you're talking about. Happy?"

He looks satisfied. "Yes I am."

Koushiro leans against the lunch table. "So what were you thinking about? You were just gazing off into midair."

I shrug. "Nothing much. Just random stuff. You know me."

Tai grins. "Yeah, I do. Unfortunately." He moves to put a friendly arm around my shoulder. Of course, the moment hesitation doesn't go unnoticed by me and, by Koushiro's cringe, anyone else.

With a growl I jerk his arm away and shift away from him.

"What is this? Treat Tai like crap day?" You know, I honestly wonder if he realizes what he's doing that makes me so angry.

Sora gives him a curious look. "What do you mean? Who else treated you like crap?" I caught the glare she sent me as she said this. Yeah sure, hate me because your boyfriend's a jerk.

"Oh, Daisuke isn't exactly happy with me for some reason. He's been giving me the cold shoulder for a day or so now. Then this morning when I tried to confront him about, he told me to go to hell."

Koushiro raises an eyebrow. "He said that?"

"Yeah, those exact words. He said, "Taichi, go to hell.'"

__

Dai actually said that to him? Somehow the idea of him telling off his idol is completely inconceivable to me, as it obviously is to them too.

"Do have any idea why?"

"Not a clue. I can't think of anything I said that would've pissed him off." Tai shrugs. "Ah well, probably his hormones acting up or something, some sort of a male PMS. Kinda reminds me of you, Yama."

I opt to ignore him. Normally I would have come up with a witty response, but today I just don't feel like it.

"Are you feeling all right?"

I glance back over at the bush head. His eyes are opened wide and his bottom lip is sticking out just a little bit, giving him the appearance of a puppy. "Yeah," I answer with the most convincing smile I can offer. "Just tired, I guess."

Sora, obviously feeling threatened, decides to chime in. "So Tai, as I was saying before I was interrupted…" Another fixed glance at me. Great, just what I need – a jealous girlfriend.

Can my life get any better?

* * * * *

I'm late. I'm so very late. He said be home by 7, and it's 7:31 right now. He's going to kill me, break my nose or my ribs. How am I ever going to explain that? Got in a fight with a rabid rock? Fell off a bridge?

"Ishida Yamato, untouched and alive." For good measure, you know. I've already established that little prayer does nothing except making me feel better. And that's exactly why I still say it.

The guitar in my hands seems to get heavier and heavier by the second. Oh why on earth did we have to practice that one song twice? We all know it by heart already. And now I'm late.

The door to my apartment is staring at me. It might as well be the gates of hell, I swear. I reach out, turn the knob, and slink inside.

To my surprise it's completely silent. "Hello?" I ask, getting a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. "Ishida Yamato," I mumble quietly, "untouched and alive." One more time won't kill anyone.

"Untouched and alive?"

My guitar crashes on the floor as I scream and jump about two feet in the air. "Daisuke…"

He laughs loudly. "I'm sorry, Blue Eyes. That was mean, wasn't it? Are you all right? I didn't mean to scare you. I came by to see you, but your dad said you were at band practice. He had to leave, but he told me to wait here."

I move my hand to my chest and attempt to catch my breath. "He left?" My eyes close as I will my heart to beat slower.

"Yeah, said he had to work or something. He'll be out late. He didn't look too happy either. Another bad day perhaps?" He's mocking me. I don't have to see him to know that. "Are you okay?"

"I'll live. Just don't ever do that again. I don't take too well to being frightened."

"I noticed." Dai grabs my guitar from the floor and starts to take it back to my room, or at least I think that's where he's going. "You never answered my question."

I take that as my cue to follow him. "Which one was that?"

"Untouched and alive? That's what you said, wasn't it? What is it?" He lays the case down on the floor and sits on my bed.

I decide to join him. "I got it from I book that I read a long time ago."

His head cocks to one side. "It sounded like a prayer."

"Yeah, sort of. I guess." This really isn't what I want to discuss with him.

"Which book?"

I shake my head. "I'm sure you didn't come here to talk about the books I read. So what do you want?"

Hurt flashes briefly in his eyes, but he quickly covers it. "I brought another song."

This perks me up. "Really? You're gonna let me read it?"

Daisuke rolls his eyes and grins. "No, I just thought I'd tell you about it."

"Funny boy. Now, come on. Let me see it."

He mockingly sighs before handing me another rumpled piece of paper. I smile despite myself and start to read it.

__

You're so fragile tonight

Been up hurting all night

It's not trivial like they think

Yes you're desperate and you're hurt

Thought about it so many times

Too afraid to open your eyes

To see the sadness that's inside

Just sit back in and stop time

You're tender and you're tired

You can't be bothered to decide

Whether you live or die

Or just forget about your life

But it's too late to be real

No time to be strong enough

Just time to leave it all behind

Memory has become pain

Rebuild the void with flowers

Sad eyed destruction, build around sand and sea

Yes you can build yourself around

Build yourself around me, yourself around me

You're tender and you're tired

You can't be bothered to decide

Whether you live or die

Or just forget about your life

Drift away and die

Never say goodbye

"You like it?" he asks.

"Yeah, I do. It's beautiful." A sad smile finds its way on my face. This song hits a little close to home.

"It's about you, you know."

I snap my head up to look at him. "It is?" Well that explains it.

"Yeah. You're an excellent muse, you know."

I'm speechless. I don't think anyone has written a song about me or at least not that I know of. "When did you write this?"

"Yesterday. I went to the library, got a book, and had a bolt of inspiration."

I giggle insanely for a minute. Dai in a library? Too funny. "You went to the library? Which book did you get?"

Daisuke grins mischievously, and I realize that I've fallen into one of his traps. "Oh, just this book on child abuse. It looked interesting. It's about this boy whose father beats him."

I simply stare at him. If I was merely speechless before then I must be entirely mute now. "Oh." Somehow that's the most intelligent thing I can form now. There's no doubt in my mind right now that he knows.

"Look, let's just drop all the pretense, get everything out in the open." He scoots closer. "I never believed your little 'slammed my wrist in a car' story in the first place. But I thought that you did that to yourself. Wrist-banging, you know. I saw a TV program once about it. And especially after you slit your wrists. I got all these magazines with articles about shit like that. I was totally set to help you get through it. But then I saw your lip. God, how could I have been so stupid. You're not hurting yourself. Someone else is. Then your father came home…"

"Okay, that's it." I have to get out of here. I start to rise from the bed, but Dai grabs my still tender wrist, sending a jolt of pain up my arm. I hiss and he loosens his grip.

"All you have to do is say it, Blue Eyes. Then we'll tell someone, Takeru or your mom or maybe even Tai. And we'll get you out of here and away from him."

"You have no idea what you're talking about." I pull my arm back and glower at him. "Get out, Dai."

He's worried. It shows all over his face. "Fine, we don't have to tell anyone. But just…"

"I said get out." I'm not budging.

He looks frantic now. "Just talk to me, okay? That's all I want. I just want to help you. That's all, to help you."

"Then go."

Dai stares at me with a strange glint in his eye. He takes a deep breath before continuing more calmly. "Fine, I'll go. But I'm not forgetting this conversation, and it is most certainly not over."

I have to look away from him, overcome with this strange urge to embrace him. "Just go, Dai."

He turns on his heel and walks out of my room with me trailing behind. "You don't hate me, do you?" He asks, turning back to pout at me.

"No." It's a simple response, but said warmly so he knows that I don't. I decide that he can let himself out and begin to make my way to the bathroom.

"Blue Eyes?"

"Hmm?" I twist back around. 

"Promise me that you'll call me sometime and talk to me."

I sigh, wanting to say 'no'. But that pout, how can I? "I promise."

"Okay." His hand cups my cheek softly as he brushes his lips across mine in a short but tender kiss, something I don't think I've ever felt before. "Bye, Blue Eyes." And with that he walks out the door, leaving me alone with my muddled thoughts.

"Bye, Dai," I whisper even though I know he can't hear me. And temporarily forgetting about my anger with the boy for the time being I wrap my arms around myself, happily embracing the warm feeling that's starting to spread through my body.

Maybe life will be all right after all. Hmm…

__

Eat that, Yagami. Eat that.


	12. Archives of Pain

"He did WHAT

Notes: I'm going to apologize in advance for this chapter. It is supremely evil, in more ways that one. It starts out cute and cheerful, but ends up angsty and depressing. I was originally going to make this two small chapters but decided to combine it and make one big one.

Also, I would like to mention that the song "Archives of Pain", which this chapter is named after, is in my opinion one of the greatest songs of all time. I actually sat for twenty minutes with the lyrics, trying to find a way to incorporate them into this story. And I succeeded too –audience groans-. Oh hush. They're all in _italics_, once between the ***s (actually those aren't really lyrics, but they are used in the song) and once at the end. 

Anyway…enjoy.

* * * * * 

"He did WHAT?!"

I groan and push my hair out of my face. "He kissed me."

A sound that resembles a fangirl squeal comes loudly through the phone.

"Takeru, I sincerely hope that I did not just hear what I thought I heard slip out of your mouth. In fact I am going to pretend I never heard it at all."

"I'm sorry, Yamato. It's just that it's so cute, you and Daisuke." More giggling. My brother is obviously half-female. "I knew it, I knew it, I knew it."

One of my eyebrows raises up in confusion. "Excuse me? What do you mean 'I knew it'?"

My question only induces more giggling. Obviously there was a joke that I was not in on.

"Are you quite finished?" I ask once he seems to have calmed down.

"I'm not entirely sure. We'll see." I can almost see him wiping the tears out of his eyes. "Hikari and I had a bet going on how long it would take you two to get together. She said that it would take a while, maybe a year or so, for you to get over Taichi. But I said that it would be sooner. After all, how long does it take to get over that mass of brainless fuzz?"

I can do nothing but gape at the phone in my hand. "Did I miss something here? What makes you think we would ever start dating? Wasn't Dai totally in love with Hikari? What about Tai?"

"Kindly do not use that name in my presence or I'll be forced to wash your mouth out with soap. But seriously, it was so clear. You two are all over each other."

My mouth drops open. "All over each other? You'll have to excuse me, but I have no memory of being 'all over' him."

Takeru pauses to ponder my words for a second. "Hmm, I suppose you aren't _all over_ each other. But it is painfully clear that there is something between you guys."

"Like what?"

He snickers. "Two words: Blue Eyes."

"So what? It's just a nickname. I have lots of them for you. And Tai called me 'Yama' and we all know where that lead."

A loud groan rings in my ears. "Yes, but I read once that when you really like someone you start to notice the little things about their appearance, like the color of their eyes. He obviously noticed that your eyes are blue."

I shake my head. "I still say it doesn't mean anything."

"Fine. How about this? He stopped flirting with Kari after that one soccer game where he got your autograph. Speaking of which, he never gave it to Jun. Ken said that it's hanging in his room by his bed. Right next to a list of every single one of your scheduled concerts. Shall I go on?"

I open my mouth to give a response, but Takeru continues on without waiting for one.

"He told Taichi to go to hell the day after I told him that Tai was a useless, self-absorbed jerk. Somehow I don't think that's a coincidence."

"Probably not," I agree.

"He asks about you everyday. I swear every time I see him, it's 'How's your brother?' or 'Hey Takeru, is Yamato all right?' And that's another thing. He calls me Takeru now."

I furrow my brows. "I don't get it."

"Daisuke has never called me by my real name. He's never even called me TK. It's always TC or TM or TP. But now he calls me Takeru."

I groan and sit down in the kitchen chair. Why am I always two steps behind everyone else?

"So then I was over at Hikari's the other day, and out of the blue she said, 'Is there something going on between Yamato and Daisuke?' And we got to talking and then we came up with our bet. And thank you, by the way, for helping me win that."

I roll my eyes. "Hold your horses, squirt. You haven't won. Dai and I aren't together."

There's a pause. "And why the hell not?"

"I don't know. We're just not together yet."

"Aha!" he shrieks suddenly, causing me to jump. "You're not together _yet._ _Yet_, meaning you will be soon."

I put my head in my hands. "That's not what I said."

"Yes it is. You said, 'We're just not together yet.' You said _yet._"

"Well that's not what I meant. We aren't going to be getting together."

"So I repeat, why the hell not?!"

I lean back. "Two words: child molestation. He's way too young for me."

"Yeah, three years younger than you. Ooh, call the police. This is immoral." His voice oozes with sarcasm. "I'm the same age as Daisuke."

"Yeah, and you don't see me screwing you, do you?"

"Yamato, you do not have to have sex to be in love. Some people wait until they're married, and they're perfectly happy. Besides, if he wants it then technically it's not molestation is it?" I can practically see his grin.

"Molest is defined as unwanted _or improper_ sexual activity."

His grin just widened. I know it did. "So you've looked it up, huh? Been considering it, have you?"

My forehead bangs against the table. "I am not having this conversation with you."

"Fine. I don't really want to hear about your sex life anyway. But what are you going to do about Daisuke?"

"Nothing, I guess."

There's another long pause. "Nothing? As in ignore it?"

"Well…" I start. But Takeru interrupts me.

"Nothing as in _walk away_? You're going to walk away, just like Taichi did to you? Do you have any idea how much that will hurt him? I mean, Tai is straight. You have no conceivable chance with him. And yet it tore you apart. But you are gay. Do you even know how much that will kill him? To know that you like guys, that he has a chance, but that you just don't want him. Could you do that to him? Put him through what you went through?"

"No, I wouldn't but…" I falter, suddenly realizing that there is no 'but'. 

My brother sighs, causing static to come through on my end. "You like him, Yamato. You like him a lot. That much is obvious. I heard that wistful tone you had when you told me that he kissed you. Don't think I didn't. And don't even try to deny that you felt something when he did."

"I'm not going to," I admit as I fiddle with my shirtsleeve. "So is that your advice? Ask him out?"

There's silence for a bit before he finally answers. "No. My advice is to talk to him about it. I mean, at least consider it. I know that…disgusting hair ball still occupies most of your heart…"

"Not as much as you might think."

"See, you're getting over him." Another smile, but then it quickly fades. "You claim to have been in love with him. I don't doubt that. I just don't think it's the type of love you were making it out to be. When you're in love with someone, it's not supposed to hurt. At least not like _that_, Yamato. You cried so many tears because of that thing. And it's not supposed to feel like that. Love is warm and fuzzy and happy. Whether or not you admit it, you're happier around Daisuke than you are Taichi."

"And what exactly makes you think that you know that?"

"I'm your brother. I may be younger that you, but I am your brother. It's my job to know when you're happy."

__

It's my job to know when you're happy. I squint my eyes in suspicion. That sounds so familiar. "Wait a second. I told you that during the divorce. You're using my lines, squirt."

He laughs thoughtfully. "What can I say? You've said some pretty memorable lines in your time. And you're a hell of a brother. You've given me advice more times than I can count. Now I'm returning the favor."

"Thanks," I say, my voice cracking. Here I go getting all emotional again.

"Anytime, bro, anytime."

* * * * *

I had another dream last night. It was the same as the last one, Taichi and me at the lake. Except this time he didn't call me 'Blue Eyes'; he said 'Yama'. And this time I didn't pull away from him.

No, he pulled away from me and claimed, "I can't do this. I'm sorry but I can't, not like this." And then I woke up.

I had to talk to Tai. That seemed to be the only logical thing to at the time. I had no idea what I was going to say to him, but I had to talk to him. I had to tell him what I was thinking.

So I called him a few hours ago. Or I should say that I interrupted him and Sora, whatever they were doing. Normally I would have backed down and told him it wasn't important, to continue making out with Sora, but not today. I wanted to talk to him, and I was going to talk to him if it was the last thing I did.

"Is it really that important?" Taichi had asked. In the background, I'd heard a feminine groan of annoyance.

"Yes, it's important. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have called."

"I'm busy right now."

"Yeah, so I hear." I couldn't stop the bitterness that seeped into my voice. "So you're choosing her over me?"

"No, of course not. I just…" he trailed off, and I could almost imagine him pushing himself away from Sora. "What did you want to talk about?" Another groan.

"You, me, us. What I told you…"

"No, I don't think so. We've already talked about that, and it was hard enough the first time. I don't want to do it again."

I narrowed my eyes, sensing the fight that was ahead. "No Tai, _we_ didn't talk about it. _You_ talked about it. I just listened to _you_ talk about how _you_ felt and responded to what _you_ said. And I thought that I could live with that, but I can't. I need _you_ to hear what _I_ feel. I need to tell you what I feel."

Taichi sighed, obviously exasperated. "And I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear it."

I growled then. "That is just too bad, isn't it? Because you're going to whether you want to or not."

There was a click.

"Tai?" No answer. "Taichi?" Absolutely nothing. "Yagami Taichi, if you are there say something." Not a word of response.

He'd hung up on me. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it.

I chucked the phone across my room. It bounced off the wall and onto my bed. Surprisingly enough it didn't break. And I'd slid down the wall until I was slumped over on the floor.

It's two hours later, and I still haven't moved. I may never move again. I think I feel worse right now than I've ever felt before in my life.

And I hate him for making me feel like this. Hate, a word I never thought I would associate with him. But I do.

I hate you, Tai, I really hate you.

* * * * *

__

I wonder who you think you are. You damn well think you're God or something. God give life. God taketh it away, not you. I think you are the devil itself.

* * * * *

I took the bandage off for the first time today. Until that point I'd never seen exactly what I'd done to myself. I honestly didn't care to. But now that I have, I can't take my eyes off of it.

There are stitches. That's what caused me to take them off in the first place. A doctor called and started talking about me coming in so they can be checked on. 

I didn't know that I got stitches, although I'm not entirely certain how I could have not known. Shouldn't I have felt them? On some level, I must have. Someone probably told me once, and I was just too out of it to process that bit of information.

The skin surrounding the cut is bruised, ironically. It's a strange bruise though, a deep purple instead of gray. It almost appears like my wrist is still bleeding, like it never stopped. In some ways I suppose it didn't.

It's grotesque. The skin that was once completely flawless is now marred with a self-inflicted scar that will never fade; at least in my mind it won't.

And yet in some inexplicable way, it's beautiful. Completely beautiful.

My dad's going to be home soon. He said that he'd be home early. And I'm nearly positive that I'll be dead before the night is over. Don't ask me why I think that. I couldn't explain it if I wanted to.

I contemplated calling Daisuke and asking him if I could stay with him for a day or so, but then I reconsidered. I'm going to have to face my father sometime, and it might as well be tonight. There's no use in putting it off.

I haven't seen him since that wonderful night when Dai was over. His work is keeping him busy, or so I assume.

A piece of blond hair falls into my eyes. With a sigh I push it away with my right hand, catching a glimpse of my injured wrist as I do. Once again, I find myself staring at it.

I should put another bandage on it. Maybe then I won't be compelled to look at it. I swear this is turning into an addiction. What am I going to do if it heals? Then what will I spend hours on end doing?

A door opens, causing me to abandon gazing at my arm.

__

Let the games begin.

"Yamato." Dark eyes glare at me from the doorway. "I would like to speak with you."

__

Speak with me? Well that's new. He's never wanted to speak with me before. "Look, Dad, if this is about me being late the other night then I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

"Well that's nice to know." He's too calm. He should be yelling by now or at least getting close to it. He didn't even interrupt me. "But that's not what I want to discuss."

"It's not?" Then what is it?

"No, I wanted to talk about your new friend…Daisuke I believe his name is."

My dad is asking about Dai. Why do I not like this? "What about him?" _I have a bad feeling about this._

A grin spreads across his face as he moves to stand directly in front of me. "Well, a funny thing happened the other day. I came home from a long, hard day at work to spend some _quality time_ with my son. But if you remember, I walked in the door to catch a glimpse of you and him in a very…interesting position. Of course, you moved out of that position so quickly I'm almost not sure that I saw it."

__

Crap, he did_ see it. _I start to back up, realizing exactly what's coming. "Interesting position?"

"Yeah." He takes a step closer. "Kinda looked like I interrupted something. My son doesn't happen to be one of _them_, does he?"

"One of them?" I squeak as I back into the wall. Great, now I have nowhere else to go.

"Mm hm. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. A homo, a fairy, a queer, a faggot, a pansy. Shall I go on, Yamato?" He pauses briefly but doesn't let me respond. "So tell me, are you one of them? And don't lie to me."

__

Don't lie to me. Fine, I won't. _Ishida Yamato, untouched and alive._ "Yes. Yes, I am. I'm gay."

Nothing happens. Our eyes meet and his burn dangerously into mine. I suck in my breath and await the blow. But nothing comes.

"No you're not," he says finally.

I stare at him in shock. "I'm not? And how the hell do you know what I am and what I'm not?"

My father's expression hardens even more. "You're my son. You're not one of them."

"Would you stop saying that? 'One of them'. I'm gay, and nothing you can say will change that." Somehow the idea of my dad trying to tell me that I'm straight just because I'm his son angers the heck out of me.

In a swift movement his hand is around my neck, a position that I'm beginning to get used to. "No, you're not."

"Yes, I am." Honestly…who does he think he is telling me that I'm not? I'm quite well aware of my attraction to guys.

His grip tightens. "No. You're. Not."

I grit my teeth. "Yes. I. Am." 

"No. You're. Not."

Obviously having enough of me, my dad shoves me full-force to my right, causing my arm to smash into the television set. The glass shatters on contact. An excruciating pain shoots through my arm and I hastily jerk it out of the electronic device just as sparks begin to fly.

Various swears flow out of my father's mouth as he inches closer to inspect the TV, pushing me carelessly out of the way in the process.

Tears start to well up in my eyes as I quietly stagger to my room, cradling my now bloody limb. As the door closes, I immediately collapse into sobs. My arm begins to pulsate. There's glass stuck in it. I'm sure of that.

I look down to examine it. Sure enough, I can see the glass. With my left hand, I attempt to dislodge one of the larger pieces. The pain flares once again. I let out a cry and push my arm closer to me, only succeeding in sliding the glass further into my skin. I moan in agony and lean my head against the door.

I continue to weep before idly noticing that there's a wetness on my stomach. Oh God…my arm's bleeding through my shirt. That's too much blood. My wrist didn't even bleed this much. I need to do something. I need to call someone.

I push myself weakly off of the floor, stumble towards the bed, and grab the cordless phone that's laying on it. I stare at it blankly for a minute. _Who the hell am I supposed to call?_

I can't call Takeru; he can't see me like this. I hate Taichi right now, so he's out of the question. And I'm not close enough to anyone else, except…

A light bulb goes off in my head, and I scan the room quickly, looking for the piece of paper Takeru gave me yesterday. Spotting it next to my guitar case, I wobble tiredly over to it.

I hold up my phone and dial, deciding to ignore the fact that the once white telephone was now completely red. I fall back down to the floor and wait for someone to pick up.

"Motomiya residence."

"Is Daisuke there?" I make my best attempt to sound normal but fail miserably.

There's a yawn on the other end. "Speaking."

"Dai? It's Yamato." Fresh tears fall down my face as another wave of pain flows through my arm.

"What?" Well if he wasn't awake before, he is now. "Blue Eyes? Are you okay? You sound like you're…crying? Oh God, what happened?"

"Dad came home…I told him th…and my arm…and the TV." Another wail expels from my throat. "There's blood, so much blood. And it hurts, Dai, it hurts." I'm blubbering. I'm blubbering pathetically, and I don't care.

"You're bleeding?" he whispers.

"My arm hurts so bad. My dad…" I trail off, hoping that he'll get the idea. 

"Oh shit. Your dad…oh shit. Okay. Okay, I'm going to get my mom and we're going to go get you and take you to the hospital, okay?" His voice cracks. "Everything will be okay, okay?"

"Stop saying 'okay'," I whimper pitifully.

"Okay."

I smile despite my anguish. "Please hurry."

"I'll be there as soon as I can, Blue Eyes. And everything is going to be all right. Just hang on. I'll be there in a little bit." Click.

"Okay, Dai," I mumble as I hang up. "I'll hold on. It's not like I've got anything better to do."

I glance down at the limb pressed against my stomach. It's completely covered in blood now. There's absolutely no skin that isn't red. I can't even see my stitches anymore. My stitches…

__

Well so much for those. I guess I was just meant to have glass stuck in my arm for the rest of my life. Either that or someone just really doesn't want me to wear short sleeves ever again.

Man, I wish Daisuke would hurry up. I'm losing feeling in my arm.

I wonder what my dad's thinking right now. Probably about the television, not about me. Does he regret it? Of course not, why should he? He never regretted anything before, why start now?

And what about Takeru? What's he doing right now? In fact, what are any of the Chosen doing at this moment? Hopefully they're having more fun that I am right now, well, except for Taichi and Sora. They can both burn in hell for all I care.

I must look disgusting right now, all covered in blood. And my hair's probably a mess. Just my luck, I'll die with my hair looking horrible.

No, don't be silly. I won't die. Daisuke's gonna be here soon. I'm not gonna die. Besides, even if I do my hair can't look bad. It's a physical impossibility. Tai told me that once. Tai…may you burn in hell. Why does it seem like I've said that before?

And why am I so tired? Oh, I remember this. I felt like this before I went unconscious the last time I was bleeding to death. So it should only be a matter of minutes now before I lose consciousness.

Isn't that sad? That I'm actually thinking about when I'll lose consciousness? When did my life turn out like this? I used to be able to handle it, my dad, being gay, Taichi, myself. When did it get out of hand? 

Why me? Couldn't it have been someone else? Couldn't it have been Tai or Sora or that damn smiling nurse? Why did it have to be me?

Things are blurring now, and I can't feel my arm anymore. Hey, now that I think about it I can't feel most of my body anymore. And I've stopped crying. That's good. I always hated crying.

__

This is it. Hurry up, Dai. Everything's going black.

And as I close my eyes, a pair of strong arms raps around me.

* * * * *

__

The center of humanity is cruelty.

* * * * *


	13. Nobody Loved You

* * * * *

Notes: You'll have to excuse the beginning of this; I was in a particularly strange mood when I was writing it. Well that and I also just happened to be watching the movie _Ghost_. –blush- I've also discovered that I like throwing in random lyrics, so I did it again. "Nobody Loved You" is a Manic Street Preacher song (duh…you could've guessed that by now). And "I'm Henry the Eighth" is a song by Herman's Hermits (don't look at me like that, it's a good song). And I don't know if they have Geico or Secret in Japan, but they do in this story. I might also mention that we're nearing the end of "Untouched and Alive", just a couple more chapters. In fact, this is the last chapter to be named after an MSP song. –sniff- Anyway, I'll shut up now. Enjoy.

* * * * *

__

What's your story baby

No control of what I am saying

* * * * *

"I'm Henry the Eighth, I am. Henry the Eighth, I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door. She's been married seven times before. And every one was a Henry, Henry. She wouldn't have a Willy or a Sam, no Sam. I'm her eighth old man, I'm Henry. Henry the Eighth, I am. Second verse…"

"No offense, Daisuke, but I don't think that you singing 'Henry the Eighth' is doing my brother any good."

"Oh please, Takeru. The world would be a better place if I could sing 'Henry the Eighth' to everyone in it."

"But…"

"Let him sing, Takeru. Maybe his horrendous voice will wake Yamato."

"Thank you, Ms. Takaishi. Now as I was saying…second verse, same as the first. I'm…"

__

Dear God, I have died and gone to hell. And this is what the rest of eternity will be like for me, listening to this pathetic excuse for music and not being able to intervene and set it right. _What did I do to deserve this?_

"Have mercy on my soul."

The sound stops. _I've been saved._

"I think he just said something."

"Yamato? Yamato, can you hear me? It's your mother. Wake up, sweetheart."

__

Talk about déjà vu. Oh wait…I remember…hospital. Now I suppose that she wants me to say "Mom?" in sickly voice like I did last time. Nope, not going to do that this time. Instead I decide to open my eyes first. I'm greeted by a pair staring right back at me.

Except these sure aren't my mother's.

"Morning, Blue Eyes." A gentle hand reaches out to hesitantly touch my hair, an offense that normally would have been punishable by death. "Welcome back."

I manage something of a smile. "Hi, Dai." I attempt to move my hand so that I'm touching his. The only thing I manage is a twitch in one of my fingers. "Why…"

"Yamato!"

__

Oh…mom…forgot that she was even here.

"Um, it's okay. I'm all right," I stutter, struggling to wriggle out of her grasp.

But she ignores me, hugs me even tighter, and starts to sob. "Yamato, you're alive! They didn't think you'd ever wake up, you've been out so long. And you lost so much blood, and they…" Suddenly with a wail she buries her face in my hair.

Takeru chooses this moment to make himself known, pulling her gently off of me. "Mom, stop it. Mom, please get off. I think you're making him uncomfortable."

Soft choking sounds erupt from her throat as my mother falls into the nearest chair and continues to weep. I start to move closer to her but stop as a wave of dizziness hits.

Daisuke is by my side in a second. "Whoa, don't do that." He puts an arm around my shoulder to steady me, which seems very strange. Trying to steady a sitting person, that is. "Strength is not something that you've got a lot of right now, so do yourself a favor and don't move unless you have to."

I nod slightly and glance at my mother, who has finally managed to calm herself and is now staring worriedly at me. "What happened?"

The three exchange a look that reminds me of the look parents might get when their child asks where babies come from.

"What do you mean?"

I roll my eyes. "I mean, like, what did the doctors say? Was I electrocuted? How badly is my arm scarred? Why can't I move my arm? Will I ever be able to move it again?"

My mom sighs deeply before answering. "Like I said before, none of us were really sure if you'd ever wake up. You've been out for over a day, and I guess that's really unusual. Your arm…is pretty bad. Fate was on your side though; you weren't electrocuted, although you do have a few minor burns from sparks or something. But…you lost a lot of blood. So many blood vessels were damaged, and there was glass stuck in it. It took the doctors hours to get all of it out. I…a few of your friends are out in the cafeteria. They won't let them in here though. Only family members right now, but maybe now that…"

I interrupt. "Family only? Then, no offense, but how in the hell is Daisuke in here?"

Takeru grins brightly at the now red Dai. "He threw a huge fit in the middle of the waiting room, so they let him come just to shut him up. You should have seen it. It was hilarious. He actually threatened a nurse."

"I didn't threaten her." He's turning even redder.

"Oh no." My brother rolls his eyes. "You just told her that you'd shove a can of Lysol up her ass if she didn't let you see Yamato."

"That's not threatening her. That's promising her. Both you and I know that she would have liked it if I followed through with my threat."

"I thought it was a promise."

Daisuke opens his mouth but doesn't respond for a second. "Shut up."

I laugh weakly and lean back, feeling Dai's arm that I completely forgot was there. He starts to pull it back, obviously forgetting about it too, but I push back even more, making it impossible for him to move it.

Takeru clears his throat, getting all of our attention. "I'm kinda hungry, so I think I'm gonna join everyone else in the cafeteria. Anyone else want to come?"

Daisuke shakes his head and Mom nods before standing from the chair. "I could use some food. Want us to bring you back anything?"

"No, that's okay."

And with a half wave from her and a sly wink from my brother, they're gone. Almost immediately, Dai's arm gently pulls me closer to him. I exhale loudly and place my head on his shoulder.

"Are you all right? Gods, I have been so worried about you. When you called me, I just about had a heart attack. I nearly strangled my mom because she was driving too slowly. I kept thinking, 'He's bleeding. He could die. And if he does it'll be all my fault.' And then you nearly did. Oh, don't ever do that to me again." For the first time, I notice how horrible he sounds and realize that he probably didn't get any sleep last night.

"I'm fine," I assure him, once again trying to move my arm. "It hurts a little, but I think I'll live."

"Good." The hospital bed shifts under me as he slides on it, taking care not to harm me.

You know, there's this very thin line between friendship and beyond. And a few days ago I thought that maybe we crossed it. But right now, with me snuggled up next to him in a bed, there is no doubt in my mind that we did.

To tell you the truth, I really don't give a damn.

"Where's my dad?" Now where did that come from? No, strike that question. Sometimes I really don't want to know where my thoughts come from.

He tenses. "I don't know. I don't care. Where ever he is, he won't be there for long."

"You told them." It's a statement, not a question.

"Yes." Pause. "You mad?"

"No. If I were you and you were me, I'd do the same thing." I sigh into his shirt. "What happened when you told them?"

Daisuke's other arm finds its way to my bandaged (and probably stitched) one. "The doctors blinked. Your mom cried. Takeru clenched his fists, and I think steam started coming out of his ears. He's in for it whenever we get our hands on him."

"We?" I crane my neck slightly so that I can see him.

His fingers trail mildly across mine. "Yeah. I think I'd like a piece of your dad for myself. Smash his arm through a TV. Show him exactly what it feels like." He pulls away to glance down at me. "Your eyes are sparkling again."

I smile genuinely and snuggle back to my original position. "What's going to happen now?"

"I don't know, Blue Eyes. I really don't know. But I can tell you this; you're safe now. No one can hurt you anymore. I'll make sure of it."

* * * * *

__

Winter leaves still make me believe

No vendettas, just a cherry blossom tree

* * * * *

"Geico, a fifteen minute call could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance."

My brother frowns at the television. "I swear, if they show one more car insurance commercial I'm going to snap. I don't even understand half of them. I mean, 'the aroma therapy for your wallet'? How can a company do that?"

"Take, stop picking apart the commercials. They want to put an imprint of a gecko on your brain, so that when you think of cars you automatically think of Geico. Then you'll spend fifteen minutes to give them a call."

"And _I'm_ picking them apart?" He snorts. "Besides, what does aroma therapy have to do with anything?"

"It's a metaphor. Seriously, squirt, I thought you were smarter than this."

"I refuse to use my knowledge on a stupid car insurance company with geckos and aroma therapy."

I roll my eyes. "Good. Now stop talking about it."

Takeru shrugs and continues to watch the endless commercials.

"Yamato?" He asks after a minute or so. "Is it true?"

"What? That it's 'strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman'? How the hell should I know? I don't use Secret."

He sighs exasperatingly. "No, not the commercial. Daisuke said that Dad…" he trails off, gesturing at my arm. "It's true, isn't it?"

I lower my gaze. "Yes, it is."

"Why didn't you tell anyone? Dammit, we could've helped you. Maybe then you wouldn't be lying here right now. How can…"

"I don't want to talk about it."

There's no response for a long while. And when I look up, I see him grinding his teeth and staring blankly into space. When he finally speaks, it's in a low, dangerous voice.

"I'm going to kill him. I'm going to gut him and hang him by his own intestines."

"Fine. Just make sure you let Dai have his arm. I believe that he said he wanted to shove it into a TV."

Takeru gazes at me, studying me. "He knew. He knew all along, didn't he? That's why he was always making those weird comments about your wrist or your lip. He was trying to get us to see what he did."

I shake my head and turn away. "He knew something was wrong. He just didn't know what. Until a few days ago, that is. Right before he kissed me, that's what we were talking about. He told me that he knew and that he thought I should tell someone."

"And you ignored him?"

"I told you that I don't want to talk about it."

His eyes narrow, obviously not enthused with my silence. "This conversation is not over." Suddenly a smile breaks out, although I can see that it's fake. "Speaking of Daisuke, how are you two doing? Can I collect my money yet?"

I laugh despite myself. "No, not yet."

"Have you considered dating him any more?"

"Yeah, I have. And I decided that…"

A knock at the door interrupts me. "Yama? It's Taichi. Can I come in?"

I glance at Takeru, notice the sour expression, and consider telling Tai to buzz off. Of course he's entered before I can reply to his request.

"Tai," my brother starts, turning to face the older boy, "do you realize that you have just interrupted a brother to brother bonding moment?"

He glares at him. "No, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware. Can I ask that you continue it some other time? I want to talk to Yamato."

I decide to jump in. "I don't want to talk to you right now, Taichi. So save yourself a lot of trouble just leave now, okay?"

"I can't do that. I want to talk to you, and I'm not leaving until I do." He pulls up a chair and plops down in it, all without breaking eye contact. "Now, are you going to listen to me or am I going to have to force you?"

I growl and shake my head. I might as well hear what the jerk has to say. It's not like I have much of a choice.

Takeru frowns and moves to leave. "I'll leave you two alone."

"No, that's all right. I kind of want you to hear what I say." Taichi pauses, waiting for the two of us to get situated so that he can begin. "First of all, can I have permission to kill your father?"

My brother grumbles. "Get in line."

He shifts his gaze to Takeru before returning it to me. "Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell anyone?"

I don't respond, just stare at my lap.

"I already tried. He won't talk about it."

"Fine. Then I'll skip straight to the second thing I wanted to say." He takes a deep breath. "Yamato, I love you."

I jerk my head up. "Excuse me?" _I had to have misheard that._

"I said that I love you."

I snicker a little darkly. "You're a little late for that."

His eyes roll dramatically. "No, not _that way_. I love you as a friend, as a brother. Although I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been acting like either these days. But…I realized that I never actually told you that I did. I just thought that I'd tell you now, so you know. Because I do, you know. You're the best friend I've ever had, and I love you for it."

I glance at Takeru, who's staring at Tai expressionless, before telling him to continue.

"I asked Hikari where you were because you haven't been at school, and all. And she said, 'Oh, he's in the hospital. His dad has been abusing him. Didn't you know?' And I had to tell her that no, I didn't know." He pauses to take a deep breath. "I broke up with Sora today."

Both of us gasped loudly.

"Yeah, I know. I told her that I was going to visit you this afternoon, which was breaking one of our dates, and she screamed. So I told her that you were my best friend, no matter what happened, and that if she couldn't understand that then we were through."

"I'm sorry…"

"Don't be. Smartest thing I think I've ever done. I'm sorry though, for being an asshole to you the other day. Hanging up on you was a horrible thing to do, and I regret doing it now."

I blink, feeling the tears well up in my eyes. "It's okay. I understand."

"No. No, you don't. I don't even understand, so how can you?" He forces a laugh. "What did you want to say to me? Before I hung up?"

I sit myself up on the bed and wince as I do so. Every single part of my body hurts in some way, shape, or form. "I'm not really sure. I just needed to say something. I think I wanted some sort of closure."

"Tell me about it."

"About what?"

"You, me, us."

"I hated you a long time ago. You made my heart pound in my ears and my stomach tie up in knots, and I hated you for making me feel like that. Then one day, I just happened to look at you at the right moment and everything clicked. And I just realized that I loved you, pure and simple. Everything you did seemed beautiful to me. When you walked into a room, I could practically feel it. I couldn't take my eyes off of you. And while I liked to entertain myself with little dreams of you and me getting married someday, I knew that there was no way that you'd ever feel that way about me. And that hurt more than you will ever realize.

"Then I saw that you were falling for Sora. And while it did sting a little, it really wasn't that bad. Because you seemed happy around her, and if you were happy then I was happy. And then…I don't know what happened. I guess I couldn't keep it up anymore. I kissed you, and you freaked. And then you weren't happy anymore, so I wasn't happy anymore.

"And now, to hear that you and her broke up, I feel horrible. Because in some way, it's my fault. And I know that you're going to tell me that it isn't, but it is. _I_ was the one who caused the problem. _I _was the one who fell in love with you. And I want to apologize for causing that problem. Not for falling in love with you though, never for doing that. I refuse to apologize for that."

Tai grins. "I don't want you to."

"Good." I wipe the tears from my eyes and my cheeks. Strange, I hardly even knew that I was crying. "Anything else you want to know?"

"Yeah. I want to know what you're thinking right now."

I shrug and answer simply. "I'm thinking that I hate crying. What are you thinking?"

He gives me a sad smile. "I'm thinking that for the very first time in my life, I really wish that I liked guys. Because if I did, I'd be the luckiest man alive right now."

"Yes, you would," I agree. "But then again, you still are _one_ of the luckiest men alive. Because you've had the privilege of having the sexiest man in the universe lusting after you."

"Egomaniac." He laughs, and it's still music to my ears, a different type of music than before though. "You know if you ever want to talk about something, I'm here."

I can't stop the groan that comes out of my mouth. "Yes Tai, I'm well aware."

"Good. And if I'm not around then Dai will definitely be." A Cheshire cat grin.

"Thank you, Tai. I'll keep that in mind."

"Are you two done?"

Both of us jump. I'd forgotten that Takeru was here.

"Yeah, I think we are."

"So I can turn the volume up again? Cool." He smirks at us before grabbing the remote and fiddling with the controls. "And before you ask, Taichi, no you are not off my hate list. Although you have moved up a few notches."

His jaw drops. "How did you…?"

"I'm psychic. Now shut up and let me watch my show."

And so all three of us turn our attention to the television screen, which is currently on a commercial.

"…I am a gecko, not to be confused with Geico which could save you hundreds on car insurance. So stop calling me. Geico, a fifteen minute call could save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance."

Nothing in this world could have stopped my laughter.

* * * * *

__

What would I give

Just for one if your smiles

* * * * *

I've discovered something in the two days I've stayed in the hospital this time. Hospitals really aren't so bad if you're admitted for abuse. Doctors and nurses don't fuss over you as much, which seems backwards somehow. And they shove painkillers down my throat instead of tranquilizers in my arm, although the result is the same; either way I still feel drugged.

I haven't heard much about my father. Every one refuses to talk about him. Although I have a feeling he's in deep shit, as is expected.

"You're not listening to me, are you?"

I give Dai an annoyed look. "Of course I am. At soccer practice you and Ken were on separate teams, and your team beat him. I heard every word of it."

He blinks at me. "How on earth did you hear that? You were a million miles away."

"I'm really good."

Dai has practically attached himself to my bed. The nurse has actually gotten used to coming into the room and seeing the two of us snuggled up in an interesting position, much like the one we're in now. He's curled up on my left side, his head next to mine, with a leg draped over me.

I'm not entirely sure what to think about it. On one side, I love it. It's a closeness that I've never felt before and it's comforting. But on the other side, it scares me. Closeness scares me. It always has.

Then of course there are the bags under his eyes, which I have a strong suspicion have something to do with me. 

"Hey Dai?"

"Hmm?"

"It's 6:21. You have to get going pretty soon."

He mumbles something and shifts his weight so that he's no longer laying on me.

__

You'll never know until you ask… "Oh and by the way, have you been sleeping all right lately? Because you don't exactly look like you have."

He pulls away and sits up on my bed, his hair mussed and his eyes distant. "Oh don't worry, Blue Eyes. I've just had a bunch of stuff to do, that's all."

"Stuff? Does this 'stuff' have anything to do with me?" The direct approach always works well.

"Yes."

My jaw drops. Okay, so I expected him to deny it. "What exactly are you doing?"

He shrugs, getting off my bed and walking over to his backpack. "Just a little research."

"Research on what?"

"Child abuse and stuff like that. See." Daisuke lifts his bag up and turns it over, dumping out a large stack of magazines. "Most of them are psychology magazines, and all of them are pretty interesting. Wanna borrow a few of them?"

I shake my head, obviously more than a little shocked. "No, that's all right." I scan over them with my eyes since my arm still isn't functioning properly. One particular one catches my eye. "Dai, that one's not in Japanese."

"Yeah, I know. It's French. That's what I spent last night doing, translating it. Do you know how different French and Japanese are? It was four pages long, took me forever. But I got it done." Another shrug and then he starts to put them back in his backpack.

"You translated four pages of French for me?"

He smiles and suddenly I can see how exhausted he really is. "Yeah, I did."

"Why?" My voice cracks slightly, and I feel a little childish for asking.

"Why?" he repeats. "You really want to know why?" The bag is slung over his shoulders as he starts out the door. Then suddenly he turns back, almost as an afterthought. "Because I think I'm falling in love with you."

* * * * *

__

Cherry blossom tree – 

But at least you are free

Nobody loved you – 

Like me

* * * * *


	14. Intensity

* * * * *

Notes: Well, this is the second to last chapter and one of my favorites, I might add. Not sure why though, I think I just like the way it flows. Anyway, that's about all I have to say. Enjoy.

* * * * *

__

Because I think I'm falling in love with you.

Even now, the words echo in my head. Every time my thoughts wander from whatever is happening around me, they find their way to those words and exactly what they mean. Every time I close my eyes I can still see Daisuke's face as he said them, his soft brown eyes pleading for something that I can't grasp.

Two days. Two days since he said it. That's two days since I could actually think straight.

Now I've analyzed every single syllable over a hundred times. I told myself then that I was trying to justify his confession, but what I was actually trying to do was disprove it.

My first thought was that he was confused. After all he said that he _thinks_ he's in love with me, meaning that he isn't sure. So that could mean that all this is is his first crush (and possibly last) on a person of the same gender and he's making assumptions about it. I'd voiced this thought to my brother, who managed to actually guess what happened between the two of us, but he merely rolled his eyes.

"Oh please…he said that because he was afraid that you might reject him. Then later, if you told him you hated him, he could just brush it off and say that he was wrong and that he wasn't falling for you. Then he might salvage your friendship. You've been watching too many child psych. shows on TV. I mean, seriously, would do all this for just a crush?"

And of course, this made sense. Yet I wasn't convinced. So I compared Daisuke to myself. I considered everything that he's done for me, put myself in his position, and put Jyou, my crush from years and years ago, in my position. Would I have translated a French magazine for him?

And the thing is…no, I probably wouldn't have.

__

But what about Tai? Would you do it for him?

In a second.

And then I realized that this was serious and that I needed to talk to him.

So yesterday I called his house. Jun answered, and I hardly got a word in before she started talking about making dinner reservations for the two of us. I considered informing her of the situation between me and Daisuke but thought better of it. He might not like that. Plus I would much rather see her face when I do.

After listening to her go on for ten minutes about how we need to 'discuss our relationship' I finally interrupted and asked where her brother was. She said he was out with a friend and then I promptly hung up.

I had meant to make another attempt at getting a hold of Dai today, but then a nurse came in claiming that I wasn't getting enough rest and bearing sedatives. At first I was sure that she was Dollface's twin sister because she bore such a striking resemblance to her. But when she'd glanced at me and announced, "You again!" I realized that she _was_ Dollface. She had just gotten a hair cut, color, and perm. Now that I think about it, she looked like a drag queen I saw on TV once.

Anyway, I still don't think I'm entirely sober. I still feel like I could pass out at any second, and I'm pretty sure that tiger in the corner isn't supposed to be there.

The hospital…I was wrong. It's not any better than before. It's worse. Now not only do I have various doctors and shrinks visiting but I have social workers coming in and asking me about my dad. And I just don't want to talk about him.

Then of course it's been two days since I've seen Daisuke. Two days since I've heard the name 'Blue Eyes'. Two days since we've snuggled up on the hospital bed.

"Takeru?"

My brother turns towards me. "Hmm?"

"If you see Daisuke, tell him that I want to talk to him. No, tell him that I need to talk to him. And that I miss him."

He bites his lip in an attempt to prevent his smile from showing. It fails miserably. "I'll do that." There's a pause as he starts to chew on his nail. "You're going to go for it, aren't you? You're going to move in on him, so to speak."

I close my eyes and briefly consider it before answering truthfully. "Maybe. I'm not sure. It depends."

"On what?"

"On whether or not I still think he wants to be with me."

"Oh I'm pretty sure that he does." Eyes roll. "And then what if he does?"

"Then I think you will have probably won yourself a bet against a certain Yagami."

I plug my ears just as Takeru lets out another round of high-pitched squeals.

* * * * *

"You're not listening to a word I say, are you?"

"Of course I am." A harmless lie never hurt anyone. "You failed your geometry test, and now you have to have Koushiro tutor you."

Taichi nods. "Yeah, and I told you that nearly twenty minutes ago. What have I been talking about since then?"

"Um…soccer?" He always talks about soccer. It's his world.

"Yeah, actually I was. Sorry, I guess you were listening." He shrugs his shoulders and gives me an apologetic look.

Score one for Ishida. I glance over at my brother, who has barely said a single thing since Tai's gotten here, notice the 'God, you're an idiot' look clearly written on his face, and smile.

"Um…Speaking of soccer, how's Daisuke?"

Tai cocks his head to the side. "He's all right, I guess. He's sort of gotten a little depressed lately, but…"

"Daisuke asks about you all the time," Takeru claims, staring intently at his shoe.

"Yeah, he does. I barely even tell him 'hi' before it's 'How is Yamato? Is his arm any better? Is he eating all right? Is he handling it all well?'" He shrugs again. "He's just worried about you, I suppose. We all are."

I nod slightly and start to pick at my bandages. It's becoming a habit, messing with my arm.

"Yama? I know that you don't want to talk about your dad, but I honestly think that it'll help."

"No, Tai, I really don't think that it will."

"But…"

"I don't want to talk about it now, Taichi, so please stop pushing it."

He proceeds to hmph and cross his arms with a pout. "One question, Yama. Answer me one question. Why didn't you tell anyone?"

I scoff at him. "Because I didn't want anyone to know." I mean, seriously Tai, isn't that obvious? You don't want anyone to know, you don't tell.

"Yes, but why?"

"Why? You want to know why I wouldn't tell?" I laugh insanely for a second or two. Because somehow, at this very moment, it all seems extremely humorous. "I don't want it out in the open. And then I'd look weak and people would pity me and then I'd probably get sent off to a nut house because everyone would start to question my emotional stability. And I don't want that."

Takeru gives me a gentle look and lays a hand on my wrist, tracing the now gray bruises. "No one would have sent you to a mental institution."

I exhale loudly and shake away his touch. "No, but they'll still feel sorry for me. And when I go back to school, all of the kids will know. And they'll walk by me with this sad expression, and they'll think 'There's the guy who let his dad beat him'."

But Taichi merely continues to glare at me, and I can now see his teeth grinding together in his mouth. "So what? A little pity never hurt anyone, Yama. However, your father did."

"You don't understand."

"Then help me understand."

I groan softly and wipe the tears from my cheeks before holding my damp fingers out for them both to see. "Do you see this? Not even a month ago, I didn't do this. I didn't let myself cry like this. Hell, a month ago I _never_ cried. And now it's all I ever seem to do."

"But that's good." My brother grabs my hand, preventing me from wiping away the rest of the salty liquid. "It gets your emotions out. Crying is a very, very good thing."

"I don't care if it's a good thing; I don't like it. I liked to pretend that everything was all right, and I liked the fact that no one knew otherwise. But I can't do that anymore because everyone knows that it's not all right. And now I'm in the open with nothing to hide behind, I'm hurt, I'm vulnerable, and I hate it."

There's a small pause before Tai snickers quietly. "Way to be in touch with your feelings, Ishida."

"Shut up." I sniff and finish wiping my eyes. "Now I have a question. What am I supposed to do when I get out of this hellhole?"

"You're going to live with us," Takeru says, leaning his elbow against my bed. "Mom's got custody of you temporarily, but she's going to push for permanent. Dad's in a whole lot of legal shit right now anyway, so it shouldn't be hard." He pauses and gives me a smile. "We're gonna get him, Yamato. No one hurts my big brother and gets away with it, not even my own father."

Tai laughs suddenly, causing both of us to jump and stare at him. "Oh, he's definitely not getting away with it. I'm sure you gave him a pretty good scare the other day, Take."

"How the hell did you know about that?"

"Hikari told me. I have to admit that I'm impressed."

"What did you do, squirt?" I ask with a curious look on my face.

He feigns innocence. "Oh, nothing. Just reminded him how sharp some kitchen knives are."

I frown and look to Taichi for clarification.

He smirks. "I believe that our dear Takeru is saying that he held a kitchen knife to his throat."

I blink stupidly at my brother and try to picture him doing that to my father. Somehow I'm not surprised when I can't.

* * * * *

I swear that some of the shows on television never cease to amaze (and sometimes frighten) me, like this one for example. When I was flipping through the channels, looking for something interesting, and I saw this I was struck with a memory of my mother interrupting my cartoons specifically so that she could watch this particular show. 

And that memory intrigued me, so I started to watch. And quickly realized that this is meant for a female audience, and yet somehow that doesn't stop my enjoying it.

"I'd like to sing you a song that I used to sing as a child," the woman on screen claims with a bright smile. "It's an old Minnesotan farm song entitled 'I Never Thought I'd Grow a Hair There'."

I laugh along with the studio audience or whatever they're called as she starts her song. "Oh what the hell is…"

Television is my best friend these days. I never realized just how long the day is when I'm not in school. And now since I'm not knocked out the whole day, I actually have to suffer through it all, waiting patiently for someone to get through with their after school activities and come and keep me company.

"Okay now where was I? Oh yes, where Hans first spots the hair." The piano on TV starts again.

"Yamato, what on earth are you watching?"

I start and make a sound that frighteningly resembles an 'eep', grabbing a hold of the bed rail to prevent myself from falling. All too late I realize that it's my injured arm that I used and moan in pain.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Are you all right?"

I nod a little and glance up from my throbbing arm. "Dai?"

"Yeah, it's me." He gives me an obviously fake smile. "How ya doing, Yamato?"

"Blue Eyes," I say as I cradle my arm. "You always call me Blue Eyes, not Yamato." I'd be lying if I said that him calling me by my actually name does hurt. It does. It hurts a lot.

"Right. Blue Eyes." Daisuke saunters over to the hospital bed and stands next to me. "So your brother said that you want to talk to me."

"Yes, I do." I scoot over a bit so that he can sit in the bed with me like he used to. He grins brightly at me before obliging. A hesitant arm finds its way around my shoulders and I lean into the embrace.

"So how are you doing?"

"I'm all right. A little tired and seriously bored, but other than that I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" He slides closer, just a little though. I hardly even notice it.

"Yeah, I'm sure." My head leans back against his arm.

"Hm." We sit in silence for a long while, both of us gazing blankly at the sheets. And just when I think I can hardly stand it, he pulls away from me. "I'm sorry…about the other day. I didn't mean to say that. I was exhausted and kind of irked, and I'm sorry that I said what I said. I just…"

"Did you mean it?" My voice is almost inaudible, and for a second I'm not sure that he heard it.

But then his eyes meet mine. "Yes, I meant every word." Then he drops his gaze again and starts to get up. "I'm sorry. I know you're not…like that, and I'm sure that you want nothing to do with me right now, so I'm just going to go."

In a quick motion I grab his hand and force him back onto the bed. "Well that shows how well you know me," I snicker sarcastically before leaning against him once again. "You got everything wrong. I don't want you to go. I want something to do with you. And I am 'like that' as you so wonderfully put it. Now get all the information before you go putting words in my mouth."

I all but burst into giggles at Daisuke's shocked expression. "You're gay?" His voice cracks on the last word and I can't hold back an amused sound.

"Yes, I'm gay. And I can assume that you are, right? Or are you just messing with me head?"

"No, I'm gay," he squeaks. "Oh no…you're with Taichi, aren't you?"

My jaw drops open and I struggle to pick it up off of the floor. "Tai? No! What in the world makes you think that?" He thinks that I'm dating Tai?

"I don't know. You two are so close, and you're always together, and then I had this dream…" He trails off, shaking his head.

"You had a dream. What was it about?" Okay, so I'm curious. So shoot me.

Dai sighs loudly, flopping back into my pillow. "I dreamt that you and I were at a lake somewhere, but I wasn't me. I was Taichi. And then you told me that you loved me…or Tai actually. And I said that I loved you, but I called you 'Blue Eyes'. You pushed me away, and I woke up. I just thought that maybe…I don't know."

I stare at him in amazement. _That's my dream. He just described my dream. _

But he just continues on, almost as if forgetting about me being here. "Then a night or so later, I had another one. It was the same, except this time I called you 'Yama' like Taichi would have done, and you seemed happy with that. But I wasn't. And…"

I interrupt, finishing the dream for him. "So you pulled away and told me that you couldn't do it. You're sorry but you can't. 'Not like this'. And you woke up."

Now it's his turn to stare at me. "How did you know that?"

"Because it was my dream too. They both were. I had the same dreams that you did."_ This is fate. If it's not, then I don't know what it is._ "But I'm not dating Taichi, although I wanted to for a very long time. But we're past that now. And we're just friends. That's all we'll ever be."

I lay my head on the pillow next to his, our faces merely inches apart. I can feel his breath. Hell, I can taste it. And if I just moved a little closer, just a little closer, I could really taste him. But I don't. Instead I gesture towards my bandaged arm.

"We were talking about you, my father and I, when he did this. When he came home that one time that one time, when I jumped away from you, he saw us. And he got a few interesting ideas about the two of us. He called some colorful names, queer, pansy, faggot, and the like. Then he pushed me into the TV when I admitted it."

There is a sigh as Daisuke rolls his eyes exasperatingly. "Your father is an asshole. I mean, the way I see it…the only faggots and queers and such in this world are closed-minded people like him. And they are going to live short, bitter, and horrible lives. And people like you and me and everyone who can accept us are going to live long, happy, and prosperous ones."

I smile, suddenly feeling light-headed. "Thanks, Dai."

"No problem, Blue Eyes. Speaking of which, your eyes are sparkling again." He returns the smile and reaches over to tenderly brush a piece of hair behind my ear. "You're beautiful. You know that?"

I groan inwardly. "No, I'm not. I'm ugly and weak and broken and…"

"No," he breathes, leaning until his forehead is resting on mine. "You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I'm blushing crimson right now. I just know it. And knowing that makes me blush even more. No one has ever called me beautiful before, not once, although I can't say that I don't enjoy it. "You're not so bad yourself." I should say more. I could go on about him and his looks, about his chocolate brown eyes or how disgustingly cute he looks in his goggles. Yet somehow I can't find the breath to say it.

"Hey Blue Eyes, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be completely honest. I want to be with you. I want to be able to call you mine. So can we try, you and me? Can we try and see where we go?" His eyes are hopeful, and I think he already knows my answer.

"Of course we can, Dai. Of course we can." With a smile, I lean a little bit closer so that our noses are touching. "Can I kiss you?"

Daisuke doesn't respond but merely tilts his head slightly and pushes our lips together.

And it's nothing like I imagined. There are no sparks, no fireworks, no explosions, or blasts of light. No, it's better than that. The biggest, most expensive fireworks display doesn't even compare to what I'm feeling right now. Wave after wave of some powerful emotion sweeps through my body as our tongues entwine, both starting and ending in my heart. It's indescribable. Such life, such beauty, such…

__

Intensity.


	15. Untouched and Alive

* * * * *

Notes: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. We've finally reached the last chapter of "Untouched and Alive." I'll admit that I'm happy with the way this turned out, both the story and the chapter. I'll just go ahead and tell you right now that I expect a review from every single person who reads this or an email if you want. No, I take that back. I want a review and I want an email. *people blink* Or not. But I'd really like it if you did. The email's [rzrblade33@yahoo.com][1] if you want it. I might mention that I don't have anything to do with the book _Intensity_ by Dean Koontz, which is where I got the idea for this story, but I did take the liberty of putting two very, very long quotes from it in this chapter. One's at the beginning the other's near the end. You don't have to read them if you don't want to; I just felt like sticking them in. Anyway, I'll shut up and let you get to the chapter. Enjoy, and don't forget to let me know what you think of it.

* * * * *

"_Throughout her childhood, she frequently prayed earnestly for that double blessing-her virtue and her life-and her prayers were often as rambling and incoherent as they were frantic. Eventually she had worried that God was growing weary of her endless desperate pleas for deliverance, that He was sick of her inability to take care of herself and stay out of trouble, and that He might decide that she had used up all of the divine mercy allotted to her… By the time Chyna was ten or eleven, in consideration of God's hectic schedule, she had condensed her rambling pleas, in times of terror, to this: 'God, this is Chyna Shepherd, here in'-fill the blank with the name of the current place-'and I'm begging you, please, please, please, just let me get through this untouched and alive.' Soon, realizing that God, being God, would know precisely where she was, she reduced her entreaty to: ' God, this is Chyna Shepherd. Please get me through this untouched and alive.' Finally, certain that God was exasperatedly familiar with her panicky presumptions on His time and grace, she has shortened her plea to a telegraphic minimum: 'Chyna Shepherd, untouched and alive.'"_

* * * * *

Things change. And they always change when you least expect it, when you finally lose all hope in any sort of salvation and when you begin to accept the fact that that's just how it is and that it'll never be any different. That's when it happens.

And then you can't believe that life is so wonderful and that you missed it all just because of your stubborn pride. And one morning you wake up with a strange emotion flowing swiftly through your body. It takes a few hours before you finally realize that it's total and complete happiness, a feeling that you haven't felt for so long that it's practically foreign to you.

Then, slowly, you yourself start to change. The black shadow that looms over you disappears and the clouds that seemed to always follow above you leave to burden another poor soul. And you find yourself staring in amazement at your smiling reflection, not being able to comprehend that it's really you.

And how do I know this, you ask. I know it because I'm living it.

It's been ten months. Exactly ten months to the day since that memorable evening Daisuke and I spent making out in a hospital bed, and therefore causing me to look at life in a whole different way.

"I'll be your guardian, if you'll let me," he had murmured, placing feather-light kisses across my temple. "I'll keep you safe."

I wondered briefly at his choice of words before giving a short affirmative sound and bringing his lips down to meet mine once again. If he wanted to be my guardian, I reasoned, who am I to stop him? At the time I never would have admitted it, but the idea of someone wanting to protect me gave me an indescribable sense of belonging. Everything, at that moment, was perfect.

Sadly though it didn't last. A day or so later I was out of the hospital and sent back in to the real world. A few weeks after that I found myself stuck in the middle of a courtroom battle, started by my mother's starvation for revenge and my father's reluctance to give up custody even after the infamous knife incident. In the end, Mom received full custody and Dad was found guilty on various counts of child abuse and sent to jail for a year or so at the most.

That particular sentence, Takeru would later argue, was way too nice.

"He should have gotten at least 25 years. The man practically destroyed your life."

I wasn't really fazed. We do live in a world where the courts often find vandalism worse than rape, after all. I honestly was expecting something much less severe for my dear father.

Besides, I'm out of his house. That's all that really matters, isn't it?

Since then life has steadily gotten better. I don't have to worry about hiding anymore bruises, and for the first time in years I'm not afraid to go home at night.

Of course, that's not to say that it's all better. Because it isn't, fairly far from it, actually. I still have nightmares, although thankfully not every night like I used to. The scars, both physically and mentally, are still not completely faded, which isn't really a surprise. Some of them I don't think ever will.

And of course there's therapy. My mother forced me to go to a shrink, claiming it would help me in the long run. I resented him at first, this man who was trying to get into my head, but then I began to talk. Before I knew it I was starting to trust him.

Eventually he wanted to put me on drugs. I protested fervently at first before relenting after a few sessions. They actually aren't that bad. I've learned to enjoy taking the pills he gave me to stop my panic attacks, which had become a daily occurrence. And I positively adore the little orange ones that help me sleep. I'm not too keen on the antidepressants, however. Although I'm pretty sure that's just because they're antidepressants, and every time I think of them those disgustingly happy Prozac addicts pop into my mind. My shrink says he'll take me off of them in a month or so though. I think I can wait 'til then.

Still, I honestly think I'm getting better, even if it is just slightly.

"Abuse is one of the hardest things to overcome," my shrink had said during one of our earlier sessions. "It's always after the abuse is over that you really begin to feel the true effects of it because that's when you finally begin to see just how horrible what your father did was."

My friends have helped a lot. It's strange how comforting it is to listen to Mimi drone on and on about Michael or Jyou telling me of his newest allergy or Taichi and Daisuke chattering back and forth about soccer. Somehow the smallest things make me happy I'm here.

The other day Koushiro and Miyako had planned a day for all of the Chosen (well, except for Mimi) to just get together and hang out at the park. It was a little awkward for me at first, being around Sora and all, but I managed to get over it. Occasionally I'd feel her staring and when I'd turn she would give me a sad smile which I returned and then we'd look away.

The two of us had managed to stay away from each other until that day. I figured that she'd probably hate me. Now, however, I've decided that our friendship might be salvageable. I think that she's finally realized that it was her who ruined her relationship with Tai, not me.

In any case, Sora has moved on. I hear that her and Jyou are going on their first date this weekend. The irony of it hasn't escaped me.

Anyway as I was saying, the awkwardness faded and I finally began to enjoy our little park adventure. Of course that might just be because Dai decided to spend the whole day permanently attached to my hand and shamelessly indulging in PDA, giving the few who weren't aware of our relationship a real shock I'm sure.

No one said anything though. Well, except for Koushiro, who announced that he still couldn't believe it. "You two are so different. I don't see how you ended up falling for each other. But here you are, cute little Daisuke and our moody little Yamato, together and all over each other."

"_My_ Yamato," Dai corrected. In response I placed my hand gently behind his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss, which caused Miyako, Hikari, and Takeru to burst into a chorus of squeals and 'Aww's while Taichi and Ken decided to applaud loudly in between whistles.

As I leaned my head back onto Daisuke's shoulder I shot a glance at Tai. He winked and gave me a huge grin, which I wholeheartedly returned, and then he continued explaining the rules of soccer to Iori.

One night I had confessed to Daisuke the entire situation between Tai and me (which, I might add, I did after he confessed to having a huge crush on my brother before me, sending me into fits of laughter). He merely gave me his famous grin and claimed, "It's the goggles. You're in love with the goggles. It's a common problem, considering that they are damn sexy."

He ended up giving me his goggles that night, saying that he thought I should have them, that they would remind me that he'd always be there when I need him. I flushed and accepted them, placing them next to my bed.

Dai doesn't quite look like Dai without those stupid goggles. Honestly I think he looks better, but Taichi begs to differ. In a way it's sort of symbolic, him not wearing them anymore. It means this has changed him too.

* * * * *

__

"And when each crisis passed, when the black flood of terror receded, when her stuttering heart finally began to speak each beat clearly and calmly again, she had repeated the five words once more but with a different inflection than she had used previously, not as a plea for deliverance this time but as a dutiful report, Chyna-Shepherd-untouched-and-alive, much as a sailor in wartime might report to his captain after the ship had survived a vigorous strafing by enemy planes-'All present and accounted for, sir.' She was present; she was accounted for; and she let God know of her gratitude with the same five words, figuring that He would hear the difference in her inflection and would understand."

* * * * *

"What are you thinking about?"

I glance up into chocolate brown eyes and grin warmly. "Nothing much. Just thinking back on the last few months."

"Hmm…" Daisuke nods and continues massaging my knuckles. "We've all been through a lot in a few months, haven't we?"

I watch thoughtfully as he lets his hand wander up to my wrist and trace my scars. "Yeah, I guess we have." He lifts my arm up and begins to place soft kisses on each of the pink scars. He does that a lot. I asked him once how he could stand to. They're so ugly, after all.

"No, they're not," he had replied. "They're part of you, so that automatically makes them beautiful."

The doctors warned me before I was released from the hospital that I would always have those scars, both from the TV and the suicide attempt. They suggested that maybe I look into surgery since I had so many of them. I considered it for a while, not really wanting to live the rest of my life with that on my arm and be constantly reminded of my father. But eventually I declined. "I need to be reminded," I later told Daisuke. "I need to be reminded that I'm strong, that I survived. They're my battle scars."

With a contented sigh, he lays my arm gently back down and puts his arms around me again, pulling me closer to him so that I can feel his breath against my hair. "You're gonna be okay, Blue Eyes. I've got you now and I have no intention of letting you go. It'll all be okay now."

"I know." I happily lean into the embrace. I love affection now; I almost crave it. According to my shrink, that's normal. He'd be concerned if I didn't. And thankfully my dear boyfriend doesn't seem to mind. I make a soft sound resembling a purr and let my mind wander. Strangely it falls on a seemingly forgotten subject. I close my eyes and murmur into Daisuke's shoulder. "Ishida-Yamato-untouched-and-alive."

"What?" He pulls me back so that he can look me in the eye.

"Nothing. Just reporting something." I can see his confusion, but I do my best to silently tell him I'll explain later.

He receives my message and doesn't ask just yet. Instead he places a small kiss on my forehead before moving to my lips.

"I love you, Blue Eyes."

"I love you too, Dai," I say, enjoying the way it rolls off my tongue. "I love you too." 

Life, I decide, at this very moment, is beautiful. And truth be told, _I want to live._

****

The End

   [1]: mailto:rzrblade33@yahoo.com



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